How to Make Major Set-Backs into Huge Leaps Forward!


Today we're going to talk about how to make major setbacks in two huge leaps forward and I want to give a shout out to my linkedin and twitter girlfriends who are trying to master video because I found the secret sauce to views it is blush. I was looking at some of the data on the videos and the ones with more blush or getting more views. So if you're one of my guy friends experimenting with twitter feeds and Linkedin feeds on video, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe blush. Try it. Maybe Johnny Depp. Eyeliner I don't know. All right. Today we're going to talk about how to turn those major setbacks in your life into huge leaps forward. I don't know. I wouldn't call the live feed a debacle, a, um, major setback. But as I've talked about before, all problems have opportunities. And so I guess I'm going to learn more about obs and if you want the free worksheets to this and you're going to want them because there's a lot of good information in here, you're going to go to control the future dod tech forward slash huge dash leap.


01:17 Okay, that's my website control the future Then you're going to do forward slash huge dash leap. So let's dive in straight in now to what we're going to talk about today. There's nothing I ever talk about that I haven't personally been through and I think most coaches and really most therapists and psychologists, if you think about it, medical doctors, we all do what we do out of our life experiences.


So I've had some major setbacks in my life, so I'm going to tell you from experience that mentality from research. I'm going to tell you from all my training being alive, a life coach, we're going to go into all kinds of best practices on what to do and I know some of you, if you're not currently going through a major setback in life, there's been a major setbacks in your life and guess what?

02:11 There will be more. It's just life. And one thing I am always trying to teach you guys is you got to play by the rules of the game of life. You know, and I love law of attraction, but everything's pie in the sky. And if nothing's ever going to happen, that's just not going to happen, right? You're going to have major setbacks and I'm sorry if you're going through something really big and certainly those major setbacks, like loss of a loved one, loss of a marriage, losing your house, losing your job, those are some really big ones and there's some other ones out there, but I'm going to teach you how to turn them into huge leap forward today. And one thing I want to say about major transitions for me personally is if I caused them, like if I wanted a divorce, then it's stressful, but it's not as difficult.

03:09 The things that are the most difficult for me or things I don't want it to happen in my life. Things I didn't choose, I just didn't want to happen. Those are really hard. So we're going to talk about what to do when those things happen. Financial catastrophe is, is another one, and I'm going to give you some specific examples, sitting back and saying, all right, in today's episode, I'm going to teach you five things that are useful in dealing with major setbacks. Number one is how to minimize the grief and anger period that accompanies them. Right? Number two, I'm going to teach you how to give yourself a break when you feel disoriented and not yourself. That's what a major setback feels like, like you're disoriented. Number three, I'm going to give you the tools to get through the time it takes to recover when you feel like it's taking too long, right?

04:03 So I'm going to give you the tools to get through the time it takes to recover when it's feeling like it's taking too long, I'm going to help you remember number for the true role of problems. They're always there to lead you to something better, and so it was a major setback. I want to get you thinking about this major setback that you might be going through and how it's leading you to something better. And then finally, in the last point, I'm going to help you rebuild your life better than it was before. So we're going to go through these really quickly. I'm going to give you the real nuggets in each one of these five, and like I said, there's more information in my notes in my Freebie at control, the forward slash huge dash leap. Okay? All right. Now, number one, how to minimize the grief and anger period.

04:58 Everyone, everyone in life goes through major setbacks or upheavals and you're going to feel some emotion. If you know my story, you know I felt a lot of really bad feeling emotion and I don't like it and I have so many skills and tools under my belt to not feel depressed or angry or sad, and even with all the tools I have, I still, I still feel bad. I don't like it. It hurts. There's sadness, there's grief, it's part of life, and you're going to feel those things in. The first thing I want you to know about that is it's normal. It's normal to go through that, so don't beat yourself up. If you're feeling bad, okay? You're okay. It's okay. It's normal to feel angry or depressed, but you can minimize it. You don't want to stay in it forever and you want to get on with your life, but the most important piece to this, however bad you feel right now is to know that you are going to feel better.

06:09 You're going to feel better, and you should feel better. I don't care if you caused it yourself. The worst case scenario, you're feeling a lot of guilt or shame over it. You should feel better. You're, it's an you're entitled to feel better. I've got some stories of some people that I've worked with who've done some really awful things in their life and even those most awful things that you can think of that they've caused in their life that have made a major setback in their life like a major like imprisonment, right? They can feel better even in that situation and redeem it the way you have to do it when you're feeling so bad is you want to give yourself time to turn your thoughts, okay? Your mind to a better feeling, thought and emotion. If you want more on how to do this, go listen to my podcast.

07:08 Look at my youtube videos. I give you a lot of tools on how to get your thoughts better so you feel better and better and better. Okay? There's lots of information there on how to do it. So number one in this little first point is you want to give yourself a break that it might take a little time right? And then you want to work on feeling better and better in it. And remember, it's this turning your mind away from the problem and onto a better feeling thought. There's. There's one thing I want to let you know that it's okay if you're feeling really, really bad, you need to distract yourself with whatever works because remember, the more we think about a problem, the sadder or angry we're going to be and sometimes it feels good. You want to thank you, want to be. You want to be mad at the person or you want to be angry and you.

08:08 You need to go through that a little bit, but if you get stuck in that, it's not gonna feel good after a while. So if you can't work on those thoughts and sometimes you can. At first you just want to distract yourself and you're not a failure because your watching too much tv or you're drinking more than you should or whatever. Coping mechanism, eating more, okay? It's, it's for a season and just give yourself a break and just let yourself distract for a little time. Of course, we want to find the healthiest ways to distract. We can, and we're going to talk about that more in a minute. Okay? Remember when I said, give yourself a break when you feel disoriented or not yourself as the next point. This is all about putting, taking the pressure off yourself to feel like you have to fix everything immediately because major setbacks often don't allow for an immediate solution.

09:08 You may not know what to do at first and that's okay. If your world's been ripped it apart, you're going to feel disoriented. You're going to feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. You're going to feel like your breath as has been taken out of your tests like you got punched in the gut. If you think about a major setback, like one of those analogies, like you know, you know, say you when you were a kid and you ran into another kid and you fell on the ground and the first time you got your breath knocked out of you, it took you a minute to catch your breath and a major setbacks going to see. You're going to have to take a minute to catch your breath, so give yourself a break. When you're like, what happened? The lights just got knocked, knocked out, right?

09:51 Be Gentle with yourself and I want you to talk to yourself like you would talk to yourself like you had talked to a friend or a child, right? If it's a child or a friend that you cared about, had a major life setback, you'd be really gentle with them. You'd be really just listen and be their friend. You have to give yourself that first. Okay? Give yourself time to get your bearings and know that everyone feels disoriented after a major setback. What we, I don't know if you're like this, but we tend to want to know what to do. We want to tend to figure out why it happened. We want to know and we want permanence. We we love permanent, especially if something was working for you and it got taken away. That whole concept of impermanence in our lives was one of the hardest concepts for me to ever grasp because especially when I was younger, I got it.

10:55 By having things taken away from me, life is always changing what you want to do as one of the lessons of your major setback, and we're going to talk about learning the lessons in a minute so it feels better is you want to just embrace the beauty of the changes that are happening in you. Some good changes are happening. It's like the serenity prayer which I looked up to make sure I had right for you today and I didn't realize there was a second part to the serenity prayer, so it came to mind because when our life gives us a major setback, so we are having to learn how to accept a lot of things and just sit with it, understand it just accepted. If we can't understand it, just radically accept it just like in the serenity prayer and there's a lot of acceptance going on except the things you cannot change and then the courage to change what you can, but usually the courage to change what you can comes after the acceptance part, right?

12:03 Because if we can accept what's happened, we can't change it because we're going to keep going back and trying to make it as if it didn't happen. Okay? If you've taken a dbt skill class, you've learned radical acceptance and radical acceptance has been one of the most freeing concept of concepts of, uh, my life. You have to radically accept that things change. Some things are out of your control and you just want to give your heart and head time to accept what's happened to you. So I'm gonna read this serenity prayer to you because I want you to hear the second part of it too. Most of us know the first part, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. Living One day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, excepting hardships as the pathway to peace, man, if you can get that piece from what I'm saying today, accepting hardships as a pathway to peace.

13:06 You've mastered life. Basically you're enlightened at that point, so I want you to really listen to everything I'm talking about today because accepting hardships is a pathway to peace. Taking as he did the sinful, sinful world as it is not as I would have it, trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to his will, that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with him forever in the next. You don't have to be a Christian to get the pieces of that that are important for us to learn. Just a little note on this, if you followed me, you know that I've studied many religions, many religions, and there's nuggets from all religions and the serenity prayer was based in Christianity, but there's a lot of good stuff in there. Okay? The next thing I want to talk about that's important is I want to give you the tools to get through the time it takes to recover when you feel like it's taking too long, so I'm going to give you the tools, a few little tools to just give you that peace when you feel like the recovery is taking too long and I recently had a big majors financial setback in my life.

14:25 It wasn't. I couldn't have seen it coming. I trusted someone and they weren't trustworthy. I didn't see it coming and it was a major setback and I'm a go getter. I want to get stuff done and I wanted to solve it all and think I could solve it all. But sometimes we cause more grief by being. I don't want to say not to be optimistic because everything I preach is about being optimistic, but we have to be realistic about that. We can't control the time frame a lot of times about when things are gonna get back to normal or get or get better and we're going to talk some more about that. And remember I just said, you can just distract, you can just distract.

15:20 Distraction is a beautiful tool and it is a skill in and of itself. So remember I talked about, I alluded to a little bit, learning how to be present and this whole concept of impermanence is that we really want to enjoy things while we have them because when they're taken away or when their time in our life is over, ready for the next step, and that's what really is happening. We're ready for the next step. We tend to grieve that we didn't appreciate it. The way not to do this anymore in our lives going forward is to learn how to be present and in really enjoy the moment and have gratitude for the things that we have now. If you didn't do that before, just start now. Okay? So being mindful to the present is a skill that we learn and it makes us feel better, but an equally good skill or an also another good skill is to learn how to distract, to really not be present to that moment that's making us miserable. Does that make sense? Email me, if it doesn't, I'm going to tell you to do something and if you're really suffering when you hear this, you're gonna want to slap my face, but I want you to try to envision the good that may come of this, right? So let's talk about a horrible, horrible tragedy. Um, and I'm, I'm not making light of the suffering. I'm trying to get your mind wrapped around that good can come of every situation.

17:13 One tragedy that you could just think of it as an example would be a Ta, a child that was lost to something in just and how that parent grieves the loss of that child, but they also become an advocate. They also use that to propel them to do something really good in the world. I talked about before and I had in my mind, and I didn't know if I was going to tell you this one story about, I had a um, a classmate. I taught Nami classes to support support people with mental illness. He was actually going through the training to do it with me and this man. And I don't want to like bring you down with this. I want you to see that even in the worst major setbacks in life, beauty can come of it. But it really was a beautiful story.

18:05 This man, he'd had a psychotic break and he killed someone in it. Is this before he knew he had a mental illness and this ban, I remember sitting next to him thinking, if this happened to me, I don't know if I could ever get through it. Do you know how can you get through it? But somehow was support and love and learning these things. He turned it around and he dedicated his life to helping other people not have to go through psychotic breaks to get the mental health care that they needed and deserved before something tragic could happen. And he had a ministry, basically two people who had gone through some really horrible things. So those are two examples of really huge, like worst case, major setbacks and how something beautiful happened from it. And I give them to you because I want you to think of examples of what good might come from this major setback. I do this all the time. Okay, so what good can come of this because everything always works out for you and me, right? So I. I hate time, but time is not your enemy and things are working out for you and if you could just soothe yourself, it's okay. It doesn't have to be solved right now. Time is not my enemy and things are working out for me. Just remember that like that little mantra time is now my enemy and things are working out for me.

19:44 I've talked a lot about in my book in particular that there's a benevolence out there, putting things in motion. There is a benevolence out there. You can call it whatever you want, but that benevolence is putting things in motion, making sense of things for you and repairing it and making it better than it. It never happened and sometimes you, if all else fails, you just go to sleep at night and say, I give it. I give it up to you because I don't know how to figure this out and know that there's some things. Someone, someone's out there making sense of it for you and putting it together better than if it never happened.

20:27 Okay?

20:29 I love this one. I want you to remember that the role of problems in her life and problems seemed small compared to a major setback, but the role of all problems in life is leading you to something better. And my book control the future thought technology for influencers. A key piece of creating our future is problems. So get that book on kindle. If you can afford it, asked me, I'll send it to you. Okay, go I want you to have it. I want you to understand the role of problems and there's a lot in their life is always changing. It is, but there is a beauty to life that problem's always, and I promise you always lead to something better. Even major setbacks they do. We don't want pain. None of us want pain. So if we can learn what the role of pain is, why it's there, it's not. To make you suffer is to lead you to something better. It's going to help you through the transition and give you the answers to what's going on. Right? Okay. Let's see. Okay. I want you to rebuild your life better than it was before and that this is the huge leap forward. I've built up to the huge leap forward from a major, major setback, right? So you're doing all these things to feel better. You're settling in that it's going to take a little time. You're understanding that problem's always create opportunities and something better and now you're going to rebuild your life better than it was before. I've got some really little cool things to help you with this.

22:26 Um, I mentioned earlier that I've studied a lot of religions and when I was really suffering at one point in my life, I was like, why am I suffering? What is the point of suffering? That's a huge question so many people have, like if there's a god, why? Why is there so much suffering? For me, I came across in Kabbalah this little bit about the purpose of suffering is to make you more like God. Now that sounds really esoteric, like what does that mean? But basically it is the concept there and you can put it in into your belief system, but I want you to think about it is if we are put here on this earth to do something beautiful, then all suffering is in this way of thinking is

23:17 us not learning the lesson and that will continue to suffer until we learn the lesson of why we were suffering. And then when we learn the lesson, then we get out of the suffering. So learn the lesson. What is the lesson? What's the lesson that that major setback just taught you? And I know some of you right when I said that it popped into your mind because there's a lesson learned the lesson. If you don't know what it is, you just have to open your arms and say, I don't know. Teach me the lesson and in my situation and I'm going to walk through a couple of things that happened to me like what was the lesson and how did it make me better? Some major, huge setbacks I've had in my life have made me a better person.

24:08 When I, if you look, I just put on my website, um, control the There's a little on the tab bpd and I put on that my testimony to Congress in 2008, which really launched my career unbeknownst to me that it would, but I talk about losing my children and I lost relationship with my children and that was by far the most painful thing I've ever been through. But when I said why, why did this happen and how can I become a better person with it? Some really magical things happened. I learned how to become a better mother. I think I'm a really, really good mom now and I took a lot of time to learn everything I needed to learn how to be a better mother. In my case, I learned how to control my emotions, communicate better. I learned what kids need for development, all kinds of things.

25:11 I became a really good mother because of that situation. And the biggest gift of all is when I didn't have my kids in my life and I longed for children. I ended up having my beautiful son hunter. And then my two beautiful twins, I never would have had them if my children would have been there with me. So something beautiful happened and then I got my other kids, my other sweet kids back to. And so I, I got more than I could have imagined. So those are some examples of that. I want you to start thinking about, learn the lesson. What lesson can I learn? How can I grow from this? How can this problem be leading me to my true future? And just follow that. And that's how you start building this new life in. The answers will come when you're feeling like, how can I get through this?

26:09 You're going to get through it. I know you don't believe it, but I promise you you will. And guess what else? You're going to learn more and you're going to become a better person and you're gonna. Have a bigger house. If you lost a house or a better house or a better job or the job that you're supposed to be in or the better husband or wife you will, something better will come of it. I promise in just. I know that might make you mad if you're feeling a lot of grief or anger, but I promise you it will and just remember that. Okay? Okay. One last thing. That's a little tip that's real practical because I've talked about a lot of like hard thinking and feeling and stuff like that. Here's a really practical little thing you can do if you've had a major setback, what is your setback?

27:01 Okay? It's in your mind right now. I'm gonna. Use the example of you just lost a lover. Okay? If you think about, I lost that particular person, it's him and I'll never have that person back. It's almost impossible to get over that. So one little thing you can do, it's a little trick, and it works is what did I lose that that person gave me? So then it takes the focus off of that person who will never have again in it. You can actually start to problem solve. What are the little pieces? So if you've lost a lover, what did you lose? I lost companionship. I lost sex as a intimate partner. I lost a housekeeper. I lost financial provision. I lost someone that made me feel better about myself. Right? That's a big one. So break down if it's a financial, if you lost your job, you want to break down how to replace the pieces of what you've lost and then you can start really starting to tackle it right?

28:04 Just replace those things and then when you start envisioning your new life and where it might go, you just want to. The next step is just to start researching it. It gives you something to do and you just start living at birth up inside you. It will happen. Okay? That's all I want to say for you today. I hope it helped. Like I said, it's a lot. Give yourself some time. Be Gentle with yourself and go get my notes. I'm at control. The forward slash huge dash leap. If you want more on this, email me if you have questions and if you really want to learn this stuff, you want to join my retrain your brain class and you can find information on that on my site. Control the forward slash retrain my brain and I hope to see you there. Love you guys. I look forward to good reports to give me the good reports and thanks for sticking around for this new video. Okay, bye everyone. Love you.


How Your Home Reflects Who You Are: Welcome to Our Tiny Home
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We're live. Hi everyone. Let's see if we can get this right. We've got new equipment everywhere. All right. Today's episode is our tiny home and we're live right? So we may have a couple of issues. We're learning how to use different equipment and different things and at the end when we go live, we're going to show you how it while we are alive at the end, we're going to show you the live view of our tiny home. Right?


Okay. So today's episode is about our tiny home. And the first thing I want you to know, because I'm a teacher, I'm always gonna try to teach you something, is that homes are a metaphor in our lives for our lives. So if you think about just going into this for a minute, that your home represents you. If you're describing your home, you're likely describing yourself. So I'm going to tell you a lot about myself and my own transition by explaining why I went from a 6,700 square foot house last year to this tiny home and we've got 950 square feet.


01:23 We have six of us living in it and my office and studios inside it, so I'm going to show you how we make all that work, but let's start with the story behind it and the why first.

Now, if you're listening to this on the podcast, your going to miss the tour of the home at the end because how can you see it on a podcast? I can describe it, but you can't see it if you want to see it or if you're watching this live and you want to replay it or you want my notes on this, including the l ittle tips for you and your life and how to make your home in line with your own personality. Go to control the future. Dod Tech forward slash tiny dash home, so it's controlled the forward slash tiny dash home. Okay. That's where this episode lives.

02:25 Okay.

02:26 You can also go to my website and just look for it on the podcast. Now I'm a single mom with three kids and today two of my kids have a birthday and they have a birthday together on the same day because they're twins. They're the icing on my cake there. My little precious girl, twins, Lillian Gracie. So shout out to Lillian Gracie. Hi. Happy Birthday. You guys. Happy being five years old. Little joy of my life and I want to say hi to a hunter too. He's my six year old and he's my favorite now in our family. We have a tradition where we call all of our kids and our grandkids our favorite, so don't feel like my other kids are going to worry about that, but they all feel special when I call them that. Now my son, Christian also lives with me and you know him.

03:19 If you've contacted me, he helps me with a lot of things. He answers your emails. He helps with technical stuff and he helps with social media and in a minute he's going to be on the tour of the house. We're going to show you the background of the studio and the rest of the house and how we organize it and how we live.

Why am I in a tiny house last year or just go back a couple of years ago. I'm living in a 6,700 square foot gated mansion. It was a very, very big house with a lot of unnecessary space in a lot of unnecessary rooms. Now having the best of the best is nice. I'm not saying it wasn't nice, it was so nice and plenty of space for everything that I wanted. Any material possession I could ask for was in this house and we had.


04:16 I had my own office space. There are lots of beautiful things about this house. It had a pool with a waterfall, one acre nicely landscaped backyard, but with all of that Nice space and all those beautiful things came a ton of work. Imagine having twins, twin newborns, and if you are a mom of a multiple or a doubt, have a multiple high five because you know it's not easy and I had a one year old at the time taking care of this huge house. A pool was six pumps, all the landscaping. I had a pool guy, I had a maintenance guy to come fix the waterfall and the pumps. There was always something to fix on this house and cleaning. It was ridiculous, right? So there was so much work involved in this house and it literally took I would say 35 hours a week to maintain this house and we're not even talking about the financial resources that go into a house of this size.

05:22 Now. I'm not just talking about the mortgage payment, but utilities and things like that. And last year, last January when I decided to get a divorce and move out, if you think about anyone who's getting a divorce, maybe this isn't true for everyone, but this was true for me. I got a divorce from a lot of things. I was ready for a new step in my life and it didn't include all the material possessions and taking care of everything and it didn't include all the time and money going to things that I didn't think were reflecting my own value system, so I moved my family into a tiny home, 950 square feet and our tiny home is actually an apartment. They're called apartment homes and I chose this one because they look like a little house and they're really cool insight and everyone has their own style and you may not like my style and that's fine, but you might be curious about the backstory here and how you can make this work for you.

06:28 Basically what I did is I made room in my life financially and resource wise as far as my time and my energy to create something new and now in my tiny house, I don't have any maintenance. I have a maintenance guy. I had a maintenance guy here for a year. His name was Jose and I'm like, you are my bff. I'm going to get to know you. And he was and he was great, but I don't have to maintain. The only thing I have to do is change light bulbs. If my refrigerator breaks, I don't have to fix it. Washing machine, I don't have to replace it the time I save every month or let's just go weekly. The time I save weekly now in this tiny home is like 35 hours a week. I don't have to fix anything. There's no lawn. And so I save a ton of time there.

07:21 Not to mention the finances and the finances aren't just about the maintenance on a big home, but because our space is so small and for those of you who've embraced a more minimalistic lifestyle, the thing about a small space is everything has to have a function and there's not room for extra junk junk so you're not spending a lot of extra money on things you don't need. And that feels really, really good. It just feels very clean. It feels very organized and it feels like I'm using all my resources to build my business, to spend time with my family, to take care of my health. And then take care of my primary relationships and there's nothing more important to me at this time in my life than doing that. Do I think I'll always live in a 950 square foot, tiny home I might personally, but my kids are going to get bigger and they're going to want more space probably.

08:25 And that's okay. Really. Nothing's forever in life. You may be a one of the fortunate ones that have lived in the same house forever, but moving is part of life. One of the changes I want to talk about as this metaphor for our lives is I live in the woodlands, Texas. The woodlands is a very fluent suburb, northwest Houston. And it's very beautiful. And I kept the beauty I the good schools and I kept um, the nice restaurants and things like that that are beautiful part of the woodlands. But what I did, what I did is I moved to a more diverse part of the woodlands. I wanted my kids to really have more experiences where before we had a gated home

09:21 and when we went into our home, those gates closed and you couldn't get in and we had privacy landscaping all the way around and we did have a beautiful pool, but what we have now is we have a community pool and my kids get to see their classmates and they walk across the parking lot and see their friends from school and they get to be exposed to so many more cultures. And it's not just about materialism. Now, if you live in a nice house and who knows, I might live in a house that size again, I'm not saying I won't. Um, and there's many things you like about it and maybe you need the privacy. There's times we all need different things. But for me, having my kids exposed to so much more is where we are right now. And one other thing I want to tell you about our tiny home and why I love it so much from my kids is Martha Beck. Doesn't analogy look her up sometime. She doesn't analogy of transitions in our life and how it's like a caterpillar and how we go into a cocoon and we dissolve and then we reemerge a butterfly

10:33 and there was something in me that needed our family to be close and cozy during this time. I wouldn't call it a time of healing, but it was a time of regathering and regrouping and refocusing and we've really, really enjoyed this close time that we've been able to have, so those are some reasons why we chose a family home. I'm going to give you a tour of it and show you how we actually live, how we organize and how our living spaces is organized and let me see. I think there's one thing else I wanted to say in my notes. Now that's it. Okay.

If you're listening on the podcast, go to control the forward slash tiny dash house are sorry, tiny dash home and you can see this tour for those of your. For those of you who are staying live right now, give us a second because Christian is gonna. Come in. We're going to disconnect a few things and then we're gonna take this, which is actually a Mac laptop. It's Christians. I have one, two, and we're going to walk around the house and show you everything. You want to come over here and disconnect us. Christian?

11:57 Yeah. That was his armpit.

12:08 Okay. Here a tour of the tiny house.

12:12 Standing up. Okay.

12:16 Okay. This behind the scenes, right here is my mattress. Why is it here? Because when you do a podcast in particular, you need a lot of sound, buffer, or softening of the sound. So that's what we do. Let me say this right here. I'm going to give you the tour of this. The background here, what these pictures are as good as you see them all the time. You see them all the time. So this is just a little beautiful. A map of Napa I biked through at one time. This is a little poster from. I've written about it before my secret boyfriend.

Of course there isn't Tami Green that you see behind me, so you know who I am and this beautiful masterpiece is some of my kids and grandkids hands, right? Isn't that sweet? And then love lives here. You've probably seen that. Okay. Let me grab this real quick and I'm going to show you. Hey, this is what you don't see. Okay. There's a pillow for more sound. There's blankets and stuff here. We kind of rearranged this everyday and then here are the lights. We have a lot of lights behind behind me while in go. And the reason we do that, so I don't look like this so you can actually see me. Okay. The light's going to be weird. Okay. All right. Little bit more toward. This is the pain. My grandpa dad.

13:48 Now turning around, if you look back into this room, you could see the whole thing. This tiny little room, that mattress over there is my bed. So what we do is after this breaks down on Mondays or sometimes Tuesdays, if I had a class that matches, goes on the floor and I sleep on the mattress. I had forever in here the king size bed that I brought from my big home and it didn't work for me anymore. Okay. I'm going to share the kids for. Here's this.

Welcome to our tiny home room for the kids. This is how three kids live. Bunk beds for two other bed. For one. We have a lot of secret treasures. Tiny little home, one closet for all of them. There's Christian and a wardroom. See how we manage. The thing about a tiny home I want you to know is that there is no room for anything extra. We have everything organized, but here's the great thing. It's so there's so little to clean. There's like nothing to clean and these little closets that you see are so easy to organize because there nothing we don't. Okay. Here's our hall. Look at this big started like four years is like nothing in it for your. Okay. Here's our living room.

15:25 So here's our tiny living room again, PD. So that house right there that you can't really see because the light is also Christian's bed. And then we took our dining room. See what I did for my kids, we took out the table and that's helping my little kids learn their letters and their words. Right, but nice outdoor area which really helps with outdoor living.

And then here is our tiny kitchen. It's so tiny. It's tiny, tiny and we still do a lot of cooking and a lot of baking in this tiny kitchen. The one thing that we have out appliance wise all the time, it was that popping. I don't own a toaster. Why do I not own a toaster? Is there's no room for it. I use a cookie sheet. It's just like really doubling up on stuff like that. So here's our tiny. I'm. Oh, where do the kids eat? Right there, right at the bar. Well we do at folks trying to get out of the picture. All right, there's on tiny home. Thanks for joining us on our little tour emails. That If you want to have any more insight into how we manage them, how we make this work. And remember, your home is a reflection of who you are and where you are with your life. So think about that and see how you can use that little tidbit to do some insight into your own personality and what you want. All right, you want to let us go?

17:11 Bye!

When to Give and When to Take in Your Relationship


We're going to talk about today: when to give and when to take and your relationships and this is also a lesson near and dear to my own heart because I wasn't very good at this to begin with and I learned how to get really good at it. If you're listening on the podcast and you are behind the scenes footage of my kids and me in this more natural setting, go to, and that's where you can find my podcast. It's on iTunes and Stitcher, but you can see behind the scenes footage and get the freebies on the podcast and if you went the freebie for today and you're really gonna want it because this is some stuff that's kind of hard to learn and as I talk about, it's in all kinds of different transactions in our life that we're not sure on when to give and take. 


I have a worksheet for you that breaks it down and give you the information so you can break down the different transactions in your life and to find that, just go to Give-take so Now let's talk about relationships, whether it's in romantic partnerships, in business, or with your friend or your kids, and we're going to change the way you view about relationships for a moment, so why don't you to get out of the mindset that you've maybe have been in for most of your life, about relationships and get into a new mindset. We tend to view our relationships emotionally about how we're feeling, even if we're not very. 


Even if we're not in touch with our emotions, we tend to react in our relationships. If that person makes me angry, then I do this. If I feel loved and happy, I do this so we feel an emotion and then we act or react to it. But what I want to teach you today is how to be more proactive, proactive in your relationships. Okay? Now I'm all about emotions. One of my hashtags is Hashtag Hustle, love. I love emotions. I love studying emotions and learning how to use them for our benefit, and I especially love the positive emotions, but I want you to get out of the mindset of emotions today and get into the mindset of relationships give and take, peace being all about transactions, and I'm going to give you a little analogy to really get your mindset into how our relationships, all of them, romantic, business, family, friends, they're all about all these transactions that happen all the time. 

So here's a little example I want you to think of. Envision this. You're sitting in your house and the light bulb in your room goes out. You can't see. You need a new light bulb and you don't have one. You have to go buy a new light bulb, right? You have a need. You want something from someone else and you're willing to pay for it. Can you see the transaction going on in there? You don't want to pay a thousand dollars for a light bulb. You might pay $1 and if it's really, really important to you, you might pay more. If you really count on that light, like if your child or yourself has sensory issues, or you need that on to live, you might spend more for that light bulb. You might spend more for a special light for lighting like we do in my studio, in my tiny house, or you might spend more on a light bulb that stays on all the time that has a generator attached to it somehow. Maybe a solar powered light bulb or a special one that's been developed for sensory issues. One of my linkedin friends developed that. It's a really cool idea and you're going to be paying more for those light bulbs. You might pay $35 for that, or 20 bucks for those fancy light bulbs rather than just a dollar for a light bulb. So you're going to place a value on that need that you have, that transaction. That light bulb is going to be worth something to you and someone is going to provide that light bulb to you. You're going to give and take in that situation, placing value on your need and what the other person has to give. That's how I want you to envision your relationships for a moment as transactions where you have a need and you're willing to pay a certain amount for it to be met. Okay, so first you have a need. Next you are certain about how much you want to pay for it. So that's a little bit different in our mindset about all these transactions, in our relationships, there are many ways to pay for our needs to be met and get a drink of water. 
Each of us have a lot of resources or capital in our own bank accounts to give in exchange for getting something in return. An example of some resources you might have or some examples. Let's give you a few. Here are you are emotionally supportive or you're pretty or you're handsome or you're a good housekeeper. Maybe you support someone's goals and dreams or you have intellectual knowledge to give to them. You can train them or mentor them as parents. We certainly do that, right? There's other skills you can bring to the relationship, like time management or financial management, or you can have a baby for someone that's a big one that you might have in your resource bank, something to give. There are tons of things that we have in our own inventory of what we have to give and it can include money in relationships, business relationships. We give money and it's involved in all of our relationships. Really Parent, child, friends in some ways. Certainly in romantic partnerships. Many is a big one, so I want you to think about what you have to give. Now if you don't have a lot to give in your inventory, 
it's just a logistical thing. What I want you to do is you start developing those skills within yourself so you have more to give. You learn how to get a better job so you make more money. You work out and look better. Whatever it is, no one is perfect in every area, but if you look at this in a transactional way, it's your building up your own bank account of what you have to give in a relationship and like I said, the Freebie this week at control, the forward slash give, dash take will help you go through this inventory and then there's another one we're going to go through in a minute, 
The more you had to give, the more balanced you'll have in your relationships. Even if you are a giver and you give a lot, it's a good idea to have more capital by developing yourself more. Right? Okay. Now the next step I want you to do is to take an inventory of the needs that you have that you want met. 
It's not either or. It's both. Remember, we're interdependent. You have needs that you need met and I want you to make an inventory of the needs that you have met and I want you to validate them. Sometimes we try to talk ourselves out of our own needs. We have needs. We have once. It's not just basic living. We have wants and desires and dreams and goals. I want you to validate those and I want you to go get those needs met. As much as we'd love to be an island unto ourselves, we are interdependent. Even the hermit that lives in the mountains in Idaho, someone developed some of the food, some the tools of that that guy needed and he's interdependent on them. It's a give and take and we have to play by the rules of the game of this life. That's the way it is to be human and so the better we get good at this, the better our lives are going to be. 
So in business it's easier to see how this works. We have a list of skills, we have a list of experience, we have training, we have certifications, we put them on our resume and that's what we have to bring to the table, and then there's an ad the employer puts out and he's willing to pay this much these hours, these basic things. So that transaction on the surface looks easier. In our romantic relationships, we make a list of what we want and we make a list of what we're trying to get from the other person and what they have, so you can break it down to very transactional here, but I'll tell you even in that work relationship you're going to get in that job and you the job description and what they expected from you is not the whole picture. It's going to be a random number. 
I could assign it to 10 percent of the picture and when you get into that romantic relationship, those things that you wanted and the things that you thought the person would give to you, you can't even conceive in your mind all the other pieces that are going to come with this and your job. You might have a sick child that was nowhere in the job description or any of it, but you're going to have that need come up. Certainly in romantic relationships and certainly when we have a child, we don't know what we're getting into. There's so many transactions have given. Take all day, every day that we can't expect. What if you are very compatible with someone and they get sick? That's going to change the balance, so we're going to talk about all of this and how to navigate these transactions throughout the day. Now, if you want more on this, even more than the Freebie I'm giving you, you want to join my class, retrain your brain, and you can learn more about it at control the brain. 
Check it out because this is where I'm really going to teach you this stuff and give you the opportunity to practice with me so that's control the forward slash, retrain. Bring. It's a good class. I've worked hard on it and it's, it's really awesome to see people's lives change and I love to be able to interact with you and to really work on this stuff together. So that's how you're going to start taking this inventory of give and take what you have to give, what you need. That's the first step. You're going to get clear as clear as you can on those things, but what happens when things come up that you've never thought of before? Okay, you have that baby and you didn't realize she wants you to never, ever do anything for yourself ever again and just catered to her, but that's impossible. 
So even with a little baby who you want to give everything to, there are transactions that happen, and even with that baby, you need to learn when to given when to take, okay, I'm going to help you get very clear on what you're going to bring to the table and what you need from the other person. Because even with that baby, you're going to need things from the other little person. That little person can't be a baby forever and sit in that crib. You're going to need that, Babe. You're going to need that baby to give you 15 minutes alone. Sometimes you're going to need that baby to learn how to pick up after themselves. There's transactions all the time and what I want you to understand is if you're giving too much or giving too little and that's why you came to this class. 
I know, I know. I know. That's why you're here, so first of all, you're going to practice on getting clear on what it is you want and what it is that you bring to the table, and now we're gonna work on the transactions that happen every day. They get the relationship off balance when one is giving in, one is taking. All right? All right. Again, I'm going to remind you. I want you to take every emotion off the table and just look at this logically. Think of the person that came to mind when you signed up for this episode. When you started listening, you are compelled to listen because there's a certain relationship. There may be more than one, but narrow it down to one right now and think, what does your gut tell you? Are you giving too much or you're giving too little and that relationship. Okay, what are you thinking here? And there's no right or wrong answer in every relationship. This happens. So first of all, we're going now with that in your mind, we're going to talk about taking about the other person giving to us. You have some things you need. You're clear on that. Now, this is how you take. 
You need more sleep, for example, or a cleaner house or intimacy. If it's a romantic partner, you need them to make more money to bring to the household. You have these needs and you're clear on them. Guess what, my friend? It's up to you to ask them for it. You've got to ask for it. You can't assume that the other person is as kind hearted and as generous as you are. You have to ask for what you need, whether it's that baby, that boss, your romantic partner, your best friend. You have to ask for what you need. If you want to get really good on how to ask for what you need, I will put it in my show notes, the link to the episode I did on how to ask for anything you want because there are certain skills involved in asking. You have to know when to be more intense with your requests and the big granddaddy of them all is how to understand positive reinforcement because that's what motivates human behavior is a reward and I teach you in that episode how to do all that and in my retrain your brain class, we go into a lot of depth on all of these skills because there's two pieces to this. 
There's retraining our brain and there's the skills and I want you to understand how to motivate someone to do something for you without the fear of losing the relationship. And this piece is really, really key right now. Let me get a drink because I'm talking really fast and there's a lot of information here and that's why I want you to get the Freebie so you can really sit down and understand all this stuff. Think about how afraid you are of losing a relationship and what I want you to know, his relationships are not as fragile as you think. There are some exceptions to this, but so often we're so afraid of losing a relationship that we don't ask and we don't take. 
This is for two general reasons. Number one is we're insecure and we don't have self confidence in ourselves and we don't have the skills to ask and the other reason is because some people are really good at asking or they're really manipulative or they're really good at shutting you down. When you ask and making you, making you feel guilty about it, so either we're insecure or they're good at asking, and so those two reasons right there will stop you from asking, okay, but I'm telling you, even in both of those scenarios, the relationship is not as fragile as you think, and that's what I want you to practice this week. I want you to practice just practice for a week. It's probably not going to be a make or break on your relationship. There are some exceptions to this rule, but practice for one week, not being afraid to lose your relationship, whether it's with your boss or whomever. Practice asking. Okay. That's a little practice. 
All right. Um, let's see. Okay. Now trying to think of what I wanted to tell you next. I think that's good for this bit. That's a little summary of how you take, but here's the piece. I didn't want to tell you about this. If your answer was you feel like you're taking too much, I want you to think about two pieces of this. There are two reasons I want you to think about why you might be taking too much, taking too much. One, you're just actually. There's three reasons. One is you're just used to taking, you feel entitled and you just take too much and it's destroying your relationships. Ultimately you'll know if that's you or if you don't get some input from someone that you trust the other be you feel like you're taking too much from a particular person just because they can't keep giving it to you. 
They just can't. They can't give it to you. So you're requesting too much from them, then they can really give, and then there's a reason that you've probably never thought about in this, in that is sometimes when we feel like we're taking too much. I really want you to hear this. It's because you're violating your own value system. You don't want to take that much. What you really want is to be able to give those things to yourself. You really want to be more independent, and this is a piece about equality in a relationship that I want you to understand, and that is that sometimes in our relationships you can't ask for more. You can't ask for more in your relationship because that person has more authority than you think about a boss who gives you money. They're going to have more authority than you, so there's certain things you can't ask them for because they have the leverage. 
If you're financially or emotionally dependent on someone, let me tell you, sister or brother, they have leverage on you. The way to equalize that relationship is for you to get more financially independent. Might take awhile. If you're a teenager and you don't want to do what your parents say, it's gonna take you all not to be financially independent, but you need to work on that because they're going to have the leverage there. If you're emotionally dependent on someone, if you're dependent on someone to soothe your emotions, then you're very dependent on them to do that. The only way to level that playing field is for you to learn how to take care of your own emotions. This will help you be more independent like that stuff to think about. All right, so let me go to the next one in my new. There's only one last bit that I really want to talk to you about today and this is a really important piece and again, if you want the notes, go to control the forward slash gift Dash. Take one last piece that's really important. I want you to think about some of the most needy people will make you feel like they have the leverage over you. 
So we talked about leverage, right? Some of them will make you feel like they have
the leverage over you, right? So remember, those are some of the most needy people and there's like a little babble kind of word for it and that is there a controlling. They have a need to control you and in doing that they will make you try to feel bad or incompetent so they can control you, right? They're going to try to make you feel bad. They're going to try to make you feel like you owe them more than you can give. Are you feel like giving or you want to give. It's up to you to get clear on who you are and not let anyone ever take you off course of what you want to give. Right? That's a really important piece and I hope you got that. If you have any questions, email us at and I'll see you next week with a little behind the scenes on how this works behind the camera in our tiny house. Okay. Thanks for joining us everyone. I would love to hear your comments. All right, see you later. Bye.

How to Say No Without Apologizing
How to Say No Without Apologizing.png


Hello, everybody, Tami Green. This is about how to say no without apologizing. Right? And this is one of my most empowering lessons. So I kind of give two different kinds of lessons if you could. So broadly categorize them. 

One is how to change your thinking, which is really important and the other piece is what do I do? And I went to therapy for years and said, okay, what do I do? I need skills, I need to understand how to do this stuff. And this is a really good example of this is if, how exactly you do this, so how to say no without apologizing. I'm going to give you four pieces to it and it's going to be a pretty long lesson because I'm going to give you so much. So I encourage you to go to Say no. Say-no. And get the notes on this because there's gonna be some really cool stuff.

In the lesson today, I'm going to teach you a few things. Number one, the reasons we say no so often, right? And we shouldn't really or it's not getting us anywhere. And I want you to understand that. Number two is the good reasons to say no. Number three, how to say no without apologizing. I'm going to give you specific examples of what you can say. And then the last piece is that thinking piece, and I'm going to weave this in throughout the lesson a little bit because it's those self critical thoughts sometimes or the self thoughts that keep us from being effective. So we're gonna learn to recognize and replace self critical thoughts at the end. Number one, reasons why we don't say no, right? Why don't we say no? The reasons we don't say no is, and there's all kinds of reasons why we don't, but see if any of these resonate with you. 

Number one, we're afraid of what others will think of us. We don't want to lose those relationships or we're uncomfortable with saying no, it just doesn't feel right. And sometimes we say yes when we wanted to say no, just because we haven't practiced thing. No, we don't know how to do it. And I'm gonna teach you how. Sometimes we say yes because we were not taught as a child to put our own needs first. We had to say yes to other people and no one taught us how to believe in ourselves or stand up for ourselves or ask for what we want so we just don't know. Sometimes we're shut down when we speak up. That can be a current relationship or that could be past relationships were just shut down and one of the reasons we don't say no is because we don't really know who we are or what our own preferences are, so we just say yes to everything because what other people do might sound more interesting to our nothing. 

And then sometimes when we're taken advantage of or even violated, we feel helpless and we feel, and this is like a deep belief belief system we might have, we don't understand how to defend ourselves or stick up for ourselves because it's so deepness and then two more reasons why we might want to say no and you could add more to this or your own, but let me know if any of these resonate with you. Sometimes we just want to maintain an image of being a kind and a giving person. We want to maintain that image and we want to be able to meet everyone's needs and then the other reason in this, a lot of these reasons were my reasons, but another one that's really good is we're just very sensitive people and we care about how our words might affect others because they affect us so much and let me just say something on this point before we go on and that is that when we're very sensitive people, we think other people are sensitive like that and not everyone is. 

Now. Everyone's so affected like we are by rejection, so start thinking about that. All right. I'm going to give you some really good reasons to say no and then I'm going to teach you how to say no without apologizing, but this is going to tell you more about why you shouldn't apologize to number one. A good reason to say no is saying no will give us more resources to say no to what we want to do with our lives. Sometimes we say yes to other people's requests and we give away things. We give away our time, we give away our money. We loaned stuff out and we didn't really want to do that and then we don't have it for ourselves or to give to. We really want to give to. Right, and when we don't say no, very often our relationships become a lot of work and we start to feel really resentful. 

So learning to say no, we'll help you to enjoy your relationships more. You're going to feel more free in those relationships to enjoy with that person. What you want to enjoy instead of resenting everything you're doing. Now I like, I wanted to tell you, this is a lot that I'm going through, but I want you to have this information. So go to my website, control the forward slash say dash. No, and I'm going to give you all of this. It's a worksheet. I spent a lot of time on it for you and I hope you like it. Okay. Sometimes we don't give a strong no. And then we have to fend off future requests over and over again. Right? And so one advantage of learning how to give a strong though is then they people know it's a no, and we don't have to keep going through this over and over again. 

How about with our kids, right? If we're a parent or our parents, if we're a child, a grown tile, all right? So sometimes when we say yes, when we want to say no, we don't feel very strong and confidence. So saying no is going to make you feel strong and confident and you probably haven't thought about this one. This is a really good one. There's two last ones I want to give you about why to say no and they're about relationships. Number one, if you say no, you're actually going to have stronger relationships. Sometimes we think by saying no, we're going to have weaker relationships, but if you're worried about keeping your relationship just because you say no, what's gonna happen is the other person is gonna. Feel your doubt about the relationship, right? If you say, no, I don't want to do that, they're going to feel, oh, well, okay, that's just about that request. 

So if you feel like you're going to lose a relationship, thank you. If you feel like you're going to lose a relationship because you say no, they're going to feel that from you and that's going to make your relationship weaker. And I love this one. This is a great one. When you say no, you're going to attract higher quality relationships because when you say yes a lot, who are you? Who's. Who are you? Who are you going to be in a relationship with? You're going to be in relationship with people who are going to manipulate or use you, but if you're saying no, those people aren't going to want to be around you because they can't manipulate you and they can't use you because you're saying no. So you're going to attract better quality relationships. We train people how to treat us. We do, and this is a big way to treat other, to train other people how to treat us with respect, right? 

If you're fed up with someone not listening to you, you can do something about that. Learn to make your no and no and don't change your mind and I'm going to teach you a little bit about that and I used this word over and over again. It's practice. You're going to practice this until you get it right and some of the people in your life aren't going to know what's going on, but you're just going to keep doing it and I'm going to show you how to do it. Thank you. Okay. Before I say how to say no without apologizing, I want you to think more about this thought about your relationships and how you saying yes is affecting your relationships. When you keep saying yes, people view you as timid and lacking confidence and people will treat you that way and when you say yes to them, you are treating them as fragile or frail, like they can't handle the truth and they don't want to be treated that way either, so it's a much more respectful way to treat one another. 

Okay? You convinced it. You're ready to understand how to say no without apologizing. It's easier than you think, but it takes practice because of all this other stuff I just talked about. That's in our minds, so that's what I wanted to give you this piece first about getting the facts straight in your mind about what it's really like to say no, now we're going to practice saying it. The first thing that I say over and over again and one of the things that was missing for me in therapy and one of the huge pieces about being a life coach is getting clear on what we want ourselves. Because like I said at the beginning of this, we don't say no sometimes because we don't really know what we want. So spend time doing the other exercises in the lessons I teach you on what you really want out of life, but drilling this down specifically to conversations with people. 

There's three things I want you to keep in mind. You have three basic objectives in every conversation. One is to keep the relationship. One is to accomplish something or two is to accomplish something and three is to keep your self respect and in any given conversation you're gonna. Think about if you have the time to prepare for it, you're going to think about what do I want in this conversation like with a child? You might want the self respect. You want the child to understand that you're the authority, right? Sometimes you are at a place in a relationship where you really need to keep the relationship and so you might want to say yes at that point, but if you want to keep the self respect, you might want to say no. And then sometimes it's about an objective, like I talked about earlier, it's I don't want to spend time, I don't want to spend time giving away my time or resources. 

So there's three things in any conversation to get clear on your own objective and sometimes you can have more than one, but you want to prioritize them. You don't want to lose a relationship, but you really want your self respect and I'll tell you, if you're on this episode, you most likely are the person who's trying to keep the relationship more than the other things, so really wouldn't worry about that one very much, right? You probably have those relationships nailed down pretty well and you might want to let go of a couple of relationships of ones who are just trying to lose you or use you anyway. Something to think about. Okay, so those are the three things I want you to think about before any conversation. If you have the time to go into it. Now, I want you to practice for a solid week, not apologizing, not apologizing at all, never sing, sorry, one time, not even for mistakes that you make. 

Here's the reason why we all make mistakes. We all make mistakes, but unless it's really hurting someone, we shouldn't be apologizing for all of our mistakes. We should just maybe apologize for the ones that really hurt someone because if we're apologizing for every mistake I promised you, I'd be apologizing 50 times a day because we all make mistakes. It's part of life, so I want you to practice for one week not apologizing at all. That's gonna. Reset your brain on how to do this. Okay? Some things I want you to remember when saying no. First of all, keep it simple. Many times long explanations, send a message that you're uncomfortable saying no, so just say no, that doesn't work for me, or no, I can't do that. Just practice this. Okay? We're going to talk about being done with it too, and that may sound a little harsh just to keep it simple and short, but you've probably been way on the other end with long explanations, so to get you back to center, let's practice doing the extreme. 

Now you probably don't want to start practicing this extreme with your wife. She's maybe not going to know what's going on, but certainly in other situations with a sales rep or whatever, just practice. No, I can't do that right now. No, I'm not interested in keeping it short. Okay. Now, especially in our relationships, we want to keep you can say, no, that doesn't work for me, but you can say it in a gentle manner, in an easy manner. Keep the word short, but say it in a gentle, easy manner, right? You're going to learn how to be firm without having to yell. Sometimes we get so frustrated because people don't listen to us that we ended up yelling and sometimes it's their fault because they don't take no for an answer and sometimes it's our fault because we are wishy washy about our no, or they know if they keep pushing us like our kids, if they keep pushing us, we're going to give in until we yell and then we have to raise our intensity in order to get the know across, but the more from you are, the more you say no consistently, you're not going to have to yell as much and this is going to help all your relationships. 

All right? If you aren't sure of what you really want to do in any situation, it's okay to say, I'm not sure. Let me get back with you now. The more you practice everything I'm telling you, the more clear you're going to get and the more quickly you're going to be able to say yes or no because you're already going to know going into any conversation what you really want out of your life and that in that relationship and that conversation, but at first say, I'm not really sure I have to think about that. I'll get back with you and then if you could sit, I'll get back with you tomorrow or in an hour or some time that like close to the timeframe. They're not going to be following up with you or you're not going to leave it nebulous. You're going to get back with them. 

I'll get back with you tomorrow on that. Right now. The more practice you do on this, the easier it's going to be. Like I said, I'm learning new things every time and before I get good at them, I'm terrified. I'm afraid I don't have confidence. It feels like I'm in kindergarten and the first day and it feels uncomfortable. You're going to be afraid. You're going to be uncomfortable. Just do it. Just practice and like everything else, my kids just finished pre k and kindergarten the first day. They were so scared by the end of it, they got it really by the first week and that's going to happen with you. You're going to be a little timid, concerned or whatever emotion just do and with practice you're going to get. You're going to get so good at this, right? That's really important. If you want more practice on these kinds of things, join my course. 

It's called retrain the brain. Actually. Actually it's called a retrain your brain and you can visit my website, control the future forward slash retrain to get information on it so it's control the forward slash retrain. Bring okay for my class, so let's finish our lists and now here you're going to like this. You're gonna like this piece, okay? Sometimes you'll say yes because you're sure you want to do something, but then you change your mind later. That happens. Now, if you're doing it all the time, the reason why is because you haven't done the other work on what you really want to do, what you really want to do with your life, so do that work first, but I promise you in life you're going to schedule something and something that takes priority over that's gonna come up and you have to say no after you said yes, right? 

You'll say something like, I wanted to meet you Saturday, but I just learned I can't because I have to work again. Don't apologize. Don't say sorry. Just give the reason I don't say sorry. Just give the reason. If you get one thing out of this whole lesson, it's that. Don't say sorry. Just give the reason. Okay? All right. In this one, this is the last piece, and then I'm going to give you several exact things you can say, right? Um, without saying no. Sometimes you're going to encounter difficult people, especially if you have been saying yes to everyone, but there are people out there that when you say no, they're not going to like it. There are some people that will not take no for an answer and there's going to be some people that try to make us feel guilty or try to manipulate us. 

That's how they work in life. They tried to make other people feel guilty and they try to manipulate. Other people are not like that, so you don't get that and you don't do that, but guess what? There are a lot of people that do that. Don't let them make you feel guilty or manipulate you. Just saying no and repeat no. Over and over again. No, I'm not going to do that. No, I'm not going to do that. Eventually they're going to get it or you're going to end the relationship, right? Few examples on how to say no without apologizing. I'm just going to give you the statements and again, if you go to control the forward slash say Dash, they're all in there. I can't because I really can't take on anything else at the moment. Great. Um, I'm quite busy right now. Perhaps another time. 

Now if you say perhaps another time that's going to open up for a softer no, and then they might follow up with you or try to push you on it. So think about that. Is that really true? Do you really want to do it another time and you can just say, I'd like to help you out, but I don't feel up to it at the moment. So this would be a situation where you really do want to help the person out, but you just don't feel well right now. So sometimes it is a no and sometimes it's not right now kind of know. Then you could be even more gentle with it but still not apologize and say thank you for asking me. You're a really nice person but I don't want to go out with you or thank you for asking me. You're a really nice person but I don't want to do that on Saturday or I had a sales rep call today and I said, and I've been avoiding the call because I don't. 

I had to evaluate a solution. And then when I found the solution, I said, um, I don't need that. Thanks for calling again in the followup, but I don't need that. I'm not interested. And he was really relieved to hear that because he'd been following up a lot with me. He was really happy. Right? So all right. The last piece is if you struggle with self critical or self doubt thoughts. And sometimes when you say no, you can have a lot of these thoughts after it's like, oh, I shouldn't have done that. So let me give you some self talk that's good here. Just a few. And then we're going to be done. I really want you to practice these. Tell yourself, well, I explained to them why I couldn't do it or it's not my responsibility or it would only end up upsetting me if I agreed to do it. 

This is best for me. I feel less tired and not resentful. I might be in a better position to help them out next time, but not this time right now. Here's a couple other ones. If they're acting upset about it, right, they're going to get over it or you can look at past evidence. If you have a relationship where it's a strong relationship and they're really mad because you said no, like your child or your spouse or your parent, you don't have to worry about losing the relationship. You can just tell yourself they'll get over it. This is what's best for me. I'm getting better at this all the time and they're going, going to adjust. Right? So there's our little lesson for today. I told you it's a lot of information. You want the notes go to control their future dot forward slash say, Dash. No. If you want to join my class where I teach you all this stuff and more, you're going to go to control the forward slash retrain the brain. That's all for today. I'll see you next week. Thanks for joining me and bearing with me through potential technical difficulties without Christian here. Oh Gosh. I can only hear frogs. Dan, I just saw your comment. I hope you guys could hear everything. Okay. All right. I'll talk to you guys soon. See you later. Okay, bye.

How to Find Resources for Anything You Need
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Hello! I'm so happy to see you today. We're going to talk about finding resources and I love this lesson. I love all these lessons, right? But I really love this lesson because in therapy a lot of times we learned to work on our thoughts and certainly I talk a lot about that and I'm going to talk about that a little bit today too. But we don't know what to do.  If you're a student of law of attraction, one piece that's really missing in most of the teaching, certainly not all of it, is how to find resources and how to take action. So we talk a lot about how to think and our thoughts and my book is all about that, but in the formula in my book, "Control the Future: Thought Technology for Influencers one piece to creating your future, right..the first is problems times, inspiration times, resources equal your future.

01:05 So I talk about problems and the role of problems and how they lead to your future. I talked about getting into inspiration, which is a huge piece of all of it and it's also a piece of finding resources and then I talk about now today is finding resources because you can think about things all you want, but if you don't have resources, you can't have it.

We're going to talk about three things today in each piece is about how to get to resources. One, we are going to talk about the thought work, but no. Well, we're going to talk about getting into inspiration. That's the second piece, but in the first piece we're going to talk about the thought work about getting clear on what it is you really want because you can't achieve a goal unless you know what you want. Okay? Number one, we're going to talk about that.


02:00 Number two, we're going to talk about getting into the state of inspiration and I'm going to define that in order to let more ideas come to your mind. Then are in there right now because when you have a goal, I guarantee you, even if you're very, very clear on what your goal is and what you want out of life, you're going to just have a piece of the answer on how to get there, so getting into inspiration will really help you with that. The third piece is the action that you take, the steps you take to get what you want and finding those resources to make it happen. But first, let's talk a little bit about what resources really are. So resources are anything you need to reach your goal. If you want a lover, you need another person. If you want to be self, you are going to need finances.

03:02 You are going to need apps and software. You're going to need a building. You're going to need material goods. If you're selling them, you're going to need employees. If you want to have a have a baby, you're gonna need to figure out how to have a baby. If you want more money, you need a job or some way to make money or you need someone to give it to you. These are all resources that we have. If you want to lose weight, you need to find a plan that works for you, right? So whatever it is you want, you need the resources to get there and resources from a higher level like going back into this whole framework of inspiration and how we're connected to the universe, resources or currency. They connect with us. And so I'm going to teach you a little bit of a huge secret and there's more in my book and there's certainly more in this course on how to connect to resources when you can't see them.

04:08 So that word currency, if you think about it, currency is a word that we have for money, its currency, but if you think about that were connected or there's a current between snr resources will help you to think in a higher level way about how we connect with the resources. Right? So that's a little definition about what resources are there. Anything you need to reach your goal. And that we're connected with them and our work really is how to connect with them. Like how do we connect with that one person we've been looking for whole life. Okay, all right. The first thing and one of the pieces that attracted me to life coaching in the first place was getting clear on your purpose or what you really want out of your life or understanding and connecting with your true self or your authentic self. And I have lots of examples and lessons and episodes on how to do this in my podcast, on my blog, in my facebook live group, and I'm going to include much more of this in my course and I love this whole concept of how do I connect with my true self and how in how do I connect with what I really want?

05:37 So I want you to do that work on what you really want. Now I have lots of resources on how to do that. Again, resources, currency to connect to you on how to find what you really want. But I'm going to give you a little example today that I hope I hope will really help you over and above things that I've already taught you.

05:59 I want you to think about. Let's just use the example of a happy partnership. Let's just say that what you really want is a happy relationship. And I will tell you that a very high percentage of conversations I have with my clients are about relationships. It's probably the thing that brings people to therapy the most relationships or money or finding happiness in life. But relationships are a big one. So let me talk about that. Let's just say that you want a happy partnership. I want you to think about what that looks like to you and you can use my lesson on do want, don't want, and the homework on that to get clearer on the kind of partnership you want. So what you would do in that example is you would list everything you've learned. You don't want an interrelationship and that will make you more clear on what you do want in a relationship.

07:03 So remember, the purpose of problems is always to guide guidance towards our preferences and what we really want in life. So do the work on understanding the rule of problems the do want, don't work, don't want homework. And then when you get clear as clear as you can on what you do want, say for example in a relationship you say, I want someone who's handsome, I want someone who's emotionally supportive. I want someone who wants kids. Whatever it is. These are your preferences. You get to have your preferences. But I want to tell you something here that goes over and above this. And let me give you an example of how this worked in my life. Once we get clear on what we want, we need to stay attached to the essence of it. And here's the reason why life gives us preferences and we have preferences and we get connected with what we want.

08:10 But I promise you the universe is big. And in the example of a person or a job, our mind can only hold so much information about the type of person or the type of job that we want. So we have to stay open to the essence of what we know as much as we know, as much as we can think of in our brains of what we want, but we want to stay open to the bigger picture of everything there is out there for us, in my example, starting a new company in a business and my public persona and all the stuff that I'm doing right now. I promise you I'm clear then most people on what I want, but I only in my brain can understand a little piece of where this is going. I know what I want. I know the life I want.

09:06 I know I want to help people and I want to do it in a big way, but I don't know the end game. So I have to stay open. I do the pieces that I know, but have to stay open to the bigger picture. And so you do the thought work number one, but then you get into the place of inspiration in. In my formula. It's the eye, the problems teach us preferences, and then we go into the state of inspiration to get the bigger picture. So what does that look like? We've talked about meditation. Meditation is a good one. If you meditate, that's great. There's other ways to get into the state of inspiration and in my book, control the future thought technology for influencers. I tell you lots of them, but let me tell you why you get into this place of inspiration and then I'll tell you how a little bit you get into the place of inspiration because like I said, there's a limited amount of information in your brain and what you're trying to do is see the bigger picture, connect with more resources, have an open mind to see the perfect partner that's there for you that you might be missing so you can bet, annotate, you can do certain things.

10:21 I could just go out and be happy. If you were having a lot of anxiety around this particular issue, the anxiety is going to keep your mind from seeing the possibilities because you're just seeing the problem or seeing what you don't have. So what I want you to do is go out and be happy to take your mind off the problem. Go to a spa, go play golf. What is it that you love? Watch TV. Take a nap, take a walk, hang out with a friend. There can be a lot of things that you do to get into the state of inspiration. What is it that you love to do that takes your mind off of everything else? It kind of will reboot your mind, and that's the great thing about meditation. It reboots your mind, those thoughts that are limiting you. It reboots it, and then you can open up and see more possibilities.

11:15 And this is all really important, but before taking action, because if you take action with the few steps that you know how to do, you might not be as effective as if you open up your mind and you see more possibilities and then you take inspired action, right? Okay. So let's talk about action because this is a piece that we're all waiting for. How do we take action? We have the goal in mind. We're staying with the essence of it, we're specific in our mind as we know to be, but we're staying high level, giving an inspiration and then we're ready to take action. So let's use my work right now in my business as an example of taking action. When I really entered the public persona right, or the spotlight, I had some steps in mind. I had a goal, right? My goal was to be a public figure to get the message out to as many people to help them and in my mind I thought, how do I do that?

12:28 How do I get there, say 12 months for my original goal, so I built out and what I do is I take a big picture and then I break it down into what I do. You can do this however you want with whatever time management or project management system, you break it into goals, individual goals, so I usually do quarters this quarter. I'm going to accomplish this this quarter, this and it's building blocks. So I start off with the foundation and then I build on that and build on that and build on that. You want to really do that. You want to use post it notes, your whiteboard, your notebook, your time management or project management system, whatever works for you. If you like graphs and charts and breakdown your end goal, you want to break down the end goal and then build it into as many pieces as possible and then say, for me, I take those four quarters in a year and then I break it down into weeks and then I break it down into days, so you're going to get more and more specific and granular with those action steps.

13:47 That's what we do. We have these achievable goals. Now. That's terrifying when you don't really know. You don't really know what to do to get there or it looks huge because I want to build a business. I know 12 months from now I'm going to need employees. I know I'm going to need money along the way. I haven't. None of those. Whenever you start something, you don't have what you want, you might have a few pieces of it. If I'm trying to attract a mate, I might have some of those pieces of what I need to get there. I might have preferences. I might have good hair, I might be on a dating site, but there's going to be things I need along the way that I'm not aware of. Maybe the dating site. It's not going to work. Maybe I have a plan the first three months to get in shape and to go to therapy and get my right.

14:51 I'm going to take this course and I'm going to be all clean and ready. You have that as your first step. Your second step is to get on a dating site or to join single support groups or just start talking to friends with the goal of finding someone in the next 12 months that I really want to settle down with. You. Break it into those steps because taking action is really important. Remember, remember that you want to take inspired action. If you open your mind, if you go to a concert, you're going to get an idea on how to do this, but you do the best you can to break it in pieces and that's where a coach can really come in handy just like a coach trains you for the marathon. A coach can help you break it into the best steps that they know how to do to get you there and then break it into the days and have a training calendar.

15:42 So if you're training for a marathon, you're going to go look for six months marathon training and you're going to start by running three miles and then you're going to add it and you're going to use all the best practices to get there. I so you are going to break it down, but let me let me prepare you for something. Even if you're training for a marathon and you have that all, you're going to get sick one day and you're going to be behind a week or you might sprain your ankle. I'm not wishing that on you, but I'm seeing things happen in life. Don't let it discourage you because those three pieces I just said, getting clear on what you want, taking action or getting inspired and taking action, they kind of rotate in and out, so I might start two weeks into my goal and say, oh, that's not working right, so then that not working as a problem.

16:40 It's going to be like a micro piece of it and I'm going to go back to, oh, this problem helped me refine this goal even more, and so you're going to encounter problems along the way to get to your goal. That's okay. Don't be discouraged. You're going to get more and more clear and refined on what it is you want, and then you're going to, if you're feeling negative emotion, you're going to get back into the place of inspiration and then that's going to help you come up with new and different action steps along the way. That's a little bit about taking action. Okay? I want you to know at the beginning if it seems overwhelming to reach your goal, you don't have to do everything at one time. Sometimes at the beginning it's just about a lot of research. It's about asking questions and listening to podcasts and going to school intake, intaking a course in getting clear.

17:41 Sometimes you know the end goal, but the resource to get there is actually learning more about it and that's okay. That's okay, and don't be overwhelmed that you have to do everything at one time. Break it down and then adjust along the way. All right? You like that? Now, one thing that's really important in finding resources is this piece I talked about connecting with greater resources. This whole currency thing in the place of inspiration, I want you to get your mind into the space of you are connected to all resources in the entire universe. I know that's a tough sell, but it's true. If someone else's, why can't you be? You are. You're a part of the bigger picture and it's part of your life and what you want for your life, so empty your mind and know that everything's yours to have everything you want, even if it's not looking like it at at the time and when you start taking those actions.

18:47 I want you to learn to follow your gut, follow your impulses. If you have a whole day planned, certainly there's going to be things you can't change like me recording this, but you might want to, um, following impulse to do something else and it can lead you somewhere that you really want to go. Again, our minds are limited so we don't know all the answers, but if we can be open to following our gut to connecting with greater resources, you'll be surprised at where it will lead. Okay. Let me give you a personal example of how that worked for me. After my first divorce, I've been divorced twice. After my first divorce, I'd been a stay at home mom and I needed to work and I did not know what to do because I'd been a stay at home mom for so long. I ended up getting the most amazing job in tech before working for tech was cool.

19:51 It was a fortune 100 best places to work. They paid for all my training. They, it was the we. I started off with three weeks of vacation, started off with three weeks of vacation, unlimited sick days, you know, we had all the perks of working for a tech company. We had a hair salon and a carwash place and cafes and anything you can imagine, a free food. I had my wildest dreams could not have imagined I was going to get that job or even how to get there, but I joined a support group because I was guided or led or felt a good impulse to be a part of the support group for people that were going through a divorce and I met a man in that group who became like a father figure to me and he ended up helping me get this job so you don't know where it's gonna come from.

20:48 It's going to be random. Again. You have just a few things in your mind of how to get there. Follow your gut and it will lead you to the resources. He was a resource I never, ever thought would be a resource for this other goal. I thought he was going to be a resource to help me get over my divorce, but he helps me get a job, so see how it works. You want to stay open. I remember I told you to stay open to the essence. I also want you to stay open to the timing. For me, everything takes so much longer. I don't know if that's the case for you, but it takes longer than you think to reach your goals. There's doubt. You don't know how it's going to happen and you don't know what to do sometimes, but just keep taking action.

21:49 You have it so strong in your mind after doing all this work of what it is you want. I promise you it will happen. Just keep doing action. I remember, and I've studied, as you know me by now, I've studied all kinds of religions and philosophies and therapies. I love wisdom and knowledge and I studied Kabbalah in Kavala. Taught me this a lot about just following our instincts and taking action. You do the thought work, you do this spiritual stuff, but then you always take an action, take an action. Take the the next right step. I think they say that in a or it's not official, but they say that a lot. Take the next right step. Just take action. It's really important and then you're going to connect with the resources. Okay? Last thing I want you to know, you are protected and loved by the universe you are, and this is going to happen for you in all the resources are out there for you to do the work on what it is you want.

22:59 Know that you're connected to every resource available and that it's there for you and the happier that you are in, the more you open your mind, the more you're going to have ideas on how to connect with them and find them and not miss them. If they're right in front of you, and then the last piece is taking action and you'll get to where you want to go. For more on this, make sure you read my whole book, control the future thought technology for influencers, but the chapter on finding resources specifically in how I connected with resources in my life story so randomly, and it's going to be random for you. Okay? I'd love to hear your feedback. Team t e a, m at control the future tech and I especially want to hear your success stories and all this. Okay. Have a beautiful day, my friend tapings for listening. See you.


Get Unstuck and Make Your Life Happen
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Hello everybody, it's Tami Green.

Welcome back for our next installment of how to have a great time and have a great brain and a great life. And a piece of that which we're going to discuss in a minute about making your life happen, is taking the steps and you start with little steps.

So last about six months ago, I reentered into the public arena and I've been building and if you've been watching me, I've taken little steps to up my game along the way. I didn't start off with millions of dollars and professional everything. It's been incremental, incremental, and that's really important for you to understand as we're going into this. So we're going to talk about getting unstuck today and then making your life happen. So there's two pieces to this. The first step is getting unstuck. And then the second step is getting the steps in order and keeping the motivation to make your life happen.

So you may be a person that already has a vision for your life. You just don't know how to get there. 

Maybe you want to lose weight or you want a better relationship or a better job. You just don't know how to get there. Or maybe you're really not clear, you're just unsatisfied, but you don't know what you want. We're going to address all of that today.

Now in this episode, we're not going to go into an eight or twelve week course with me or one on one coaching where you can go deep into this, but I'm going to give you my best tips in one episode and if you want the worksheets on this so you can take this home and really dive into everything I'm talking about. Go to my website,,  I've got some really cool worksheets that you can really dive into this and spend more time on this because this is really good stuff. 

When I got certified as a life coach with Martha Beck, many years ago now, the two elements that I really learned about life coaching one on one was the first thing that we do with our students is we help them reach into their own inner guidance system and find out where their true self is leading them. We don't do it as life coaches. We give you the tools to do that and I'm going to give you some of those tools today. One of my favorite tools I'm going to give you in a minute.

The second step that we do with our clients is we help you make a clear, actionable plan to do what ever you want to accomplish. If you're a doctor and you want to get out of being a doctor and you want to be an artist, we're going to make the plan to get there. 


Whatever it is, if you want to have a baby, if you want a new job, if you want a girlfriend, whatever you want, a new house, whatever it is, I'll help you make the steps to get there. That's the second part of being a life coach, and in that second part, a huge, huge piece of it is to help you stay motivated. In executive coaching, we call it intrinsic motivation. Reaching in and helping you find your motivation that really sustains your efforts because that's a lot of it, isn't it? Trying to get you feeling like you really are enjoying the process and you're really making good progress and that you're on track rather than losing motivation. We're going to go over all of that today, so welcome.

Ready? Here we go. The first thing that we're going to talk about is this one little exercise, and honestly I may have gotten this from Martha. I've been using it for so many years. Or I may have created it myself. Sometimes I create a lot of things myself. Sometimes I borrow them and try to give them credit. Some things I can't. I can't remember how I've developed over the years. Sometimes my clients teach me things as well. 

First of all, whether you know exactly what you want or you're just feeling unsatisfied with your life now and you want more, this little exercise will help you get very clear on what you want out of your life. So when you're doing this in a quiet place, you're going to want to close your eyes. If you can't do that now while while you're listening because you're driving or whatever, get my worksheets at What are we talking about? Unstuck. Sit down quietly and do this exercise. It's the best way to do it, but listen to what I'm going to tell you now.

Take two minutes if you can, and listen this little exercise. I'm going to have you envision your best life ever five years from now, so if you can close your eyes and envision five years from now, the first thing I want you to remember is don't put any judgments around it or say I can't do that. I really want you to really daydream, okay? Daydream about what your best life would be five years from now, and what I'm gonna do is I'm going to have you think about waking up in the morning, in your bed first thing in the morning. You're waking up in your bed five years from now. 

Where are you? What does your bed look like? Is there anyone in bed with you? What do your sheets feel like? What's the air temperature? What's the furniture in your room? Are you in a house? Are you in an apartment in a hotel? Your very, very best day, five years from now, you wake up. Now I want you to think about walking to the window and looking outside and I want you to tell me what's out there. What is outside your window? Is it the suburbs? Is it the countryside? What season of the year is it? I want you to think about all of that. I want to think about when you've looked outside, what's the season of the year? Are you looking out in to the city or is it your yard? Is there a swing set out there or lake? What's your very best day? You can have any thing you want. Now what I want you to do is I want you to walk over to your closet and tell me what's in that closet, 

What kind of clothes are in your closet? Do you have workout clothes? Do you have the business suits? Do you have casual things? Are someone else's clothes in there or just yours? This is your life. You get to decide. Now, look on the floor and tell me what kind of shoes are there? What kind of shoes do you see? Maybe you have some random other things in that closet. Now look up on the top shelf. What's up there? 

This little exercise is going to give you so much insight into what your true self really wants and is calling you towards and the fact that it was a dream and not what someone expected of you helps you get in touch more with what you really want, not someone else's expectations.

So this is a really cool exercise that you can do and trust me, I do this exercise with myself every once in a while, every few years. What I want to address now, and this can happen at any phase of life, is when you just don't know what you want. If I gave you that scenario and you still felt like it was missing some elements, I'm going to talk to you a little bit about that. One thing is we have so many options these days and that's why getting in touch with your true self and this exercise helps clear some of that clutter. 

But if you were really young, for example, it's life experiences that really point us towards what we really want to do. If you're just graduating from high school for example, or in the middle of college, you don't even know what all the options are out there for you. And so when we get into the next piece, making your life happen, my advice for you is just to get out there and do stuff. Get out there and do stuff and I'm going to talk about that in a minute and some of the fears that we have about just getting out there and doing things, but know that life experiences for all of us, like in my book, Control the Future: Thought Technology for Influencers. I talk about how problems always lead us to solutions in our life and the role, the beneficial role of problems, and it's the same thing. 

Life experiences keep refining our desires so we have this heart for being a certain way or doing a certain way, but it keeps getting refined. So if you don't know exactly what you want to do, we're going to start going along the path best that you know. I'm going to tell you how to do that in a minute and the first thing I want you to do there is to start with what you love to do. What is it that you love to do? If you like to go to the aquarium and look at fish, go work in a fish place. Not like the kind where you eat fish, but where you clean out aquariums, you just go towards what you love. That's how you get started. If you're not very specific. I hope all that helps you. Now the bigger piece here and the piece that can be terrifying, is how to make your life happen. 

So at the beginning of this I said maybe you want to lose weight or want a new job. In that exercise I just gave you, you got clear on if you wanted someone in your bed or not, if you wanted a swing set in the backyard or a sailboat, so you're getting clear on all these things in. What I want you to think about is one major goal that you might have that came out of that little exercise. I talk a lot about Yin and Yang and dialectics, right? Opposing viewpoints, both here and in DBT, a kind of therapy I use a lot of the skills from. There's a tenant of it that says you have to accept and challenge both. It's a dialectic. The dialectic here is you have to envision and you have to create, you have to daydream and you have to do the work. 

Some of us work hard without getting clear in our minds on what we want. Some of those daydream all the time and don't do the work, so you have to do both to make your life happen. Okay? You have to take steps to get there and this is where we can feel stuck. Again, we can feel all kinds of feelings at this point. Here and when you start doing. I'm going to tell you how to get started in just a minute, but let me tell you, when you're doing something new and changing something big, it can be terrifying. It can feel terrifying. It can feel overwhelming and you can feel incompetent. I've really decided to do some big things and there have been days where I felt with out as many tools as I had, a lot of anxiety, or even downright fear, but I was sure on what I wanted, so I pushed through it and I did it. 

I did it anyway. I didn't listen to those emotions because they weren't true and I did some work with my self coaching on that, so I want to let you know you're gonna have all kinds of emotions that come up that don't feel comfortable, it's okay. Take action anyway and you're going to fail. You're going to make mistakes, and that's part of it. I think a lot of people don't try new things because they don't want to fail or they don't want to look incompetent, but I know the startup community in Silicon Valley, having been there, having clients and friends and family members that work in startups, startups are all about testing and finding out what what works and failing fast, so if you can change your mentality too, I'm just going to get out there and I'm going to learn along the way. It's slightly terrifying. 

I'm just going to do it instead of, Oh, I have to appear competent and I have to have it all together. When I come out here and I do these live shows, I have all kinds of stuff that goes wrong all the time. I trip up words. I say I'm too often, I say so all the time, whatever it is, don't worry about it. Get out there. There's a little song by Shakira that my little four year old twin girls listened to all the time is called Try Everything and that wouldn be a good song to just get the lyrics to at this point if you're struggling with just going out there and doing it, so you're going to have these emotions that come up, that feel that reminds you. This is hard. This is scary. I feel incompetent. The most successful people try new things. 

They break out of their comfort zone and they fail. Now the word fail is kind of a negative word, but if you just say it's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to learn. I'm just learning. We're all learning. I hope we're always learning or it's going to get really, really boring. Now you have this goal in mind. Let's say your goal is to start your own business. You can have any goal you want. I'm just going to use this as an example. You want to start your own business and I see myself five years from now getting dressed to go to my business in the little exercise I just gave you. I'm getting dressed to go to my business and it's going to be a good day. It's already established, so I know I want to start this business. I know what my business is going to be about, but how do I get there? 

The next step you can do with post it notes. You can do it with a project management system system like Trello. You can write it all out. I like to get a white board or a notebook and write it all out. You're going to have a lot of ideas at first on how to get there and you're going to weed out a lot of those ideas over time, but first, let me say this, how do you even get your ideas on how to get there? I want to start a business. I don't even know how to do it. You're going to listen to podcasts. I was listening to podcast this morning too. I was listening to podcast on things I don't know how to do. Things I'm working on right now as I build out my course even more and improve it even more. 

There are things I don't know, so you can listen to podcasts, you can go on the Internet, you can talk to people, you can read books, just go out there and research and collect ideas and it feels like you don't know what the hell you're doing at first and then you'll get an idea and you'll get clear on it and get closer. So when the example of starting a business, you know, you will kind of like start gathering data, oh I need to do the administrative and financial stuff. I don't know where to start and there'll be maybe like a column or a pillar of it. I need to learn or hire out marketing. I know to do that. Say you want to be a coach like me, you need to get certified. You don't even know where to start. So you start building out some foundational pillars of how to do it and then you're going to break it down even more and start going through that. 

When you get more advanced, like the next step in this would be to put it in your time management system with even smaller pieces. So you're going to start off big with the big idea. You're going to get a little bit more like chunks of the next steps, and then you're going to drill down in those steps and then you're actually in. What I do, and I can go over this specifically in another episode, would I do, is I put those little steps weekly and daily and hourly on how to reach all those goals. So that's how you start building momentum on this. But let's use an example of losing weight. Let's use an example of starting to work out because here's where the motivation comes in, especially if you're feeling intimidated or if you're feeling incompetent or just unmotivated. Here's where it comes in. 

Let's use the example of starting to work out. You've gained some way and you really want to get in shape and work out. Now there's two pieces to losing weight. There's the working out and there's the Diet. Let's just take one of these here in. It's good to just take maybe one thing at a time. The first thing I'm going to tell you, which I've told you in previous episodes, is you want to find stories of inspiration. People that have worked out kept the weight off, that's doing the getting unstuck part, and then when you start taking the steps, here's what I want you to do. I want you to take that first step. Say I'm going to work out at a gym and then take that tiny little step than half it again and then half it again, so whatever that first step you thought, I'm going to go workout at a gym. 

You're going to start off with maybe five percent of what you thought was your original first step. So let's start this. All right, I want to start an exercise program. Day One, what do I do? I researched Jim's on the internet. That's all I do. Or I talked to my friends about their gyms day too. I visit to gyms to see if I like them. Day three, I sign up for one gem day for I buy a workout outfit. Now, if this is all too much for you, you have this and half day one you researched, Jim's take a day off, day to you, visit to Jim, see if you break it down, but if you keep moving momentum, think about if you add five percent every day, how fast you're going to get to 100 percent, and this does something in our motivation. So let's play this out a little bit. 

They five, go sit in the parking lot, trust up to workout. Day Six, go in and pick a class. Day seven, go in and sit in the back of the class. Day Eight, go to the class and do five minutes a day. Nine, go do seven minutes and build up. You see what I'm. What I'm trying to get you to feel here is that it's. It's easier, not harder, and it's more rewarding. You're wanting to feel way better about yourself. If you go to a gym class and your goal is five minutes and you're probably going to stay for six, then if you say, I'm going to start that class and it's an hour long crossfit class and you feel like you're going to die and you can't get through it and you feel like a failure, that's one way and there are many that you can motivate yourself. 

There's one other piece of this that I want to bring up before we close up and again, if you want this information, go to control the forward slash unstuck. And I've got all this written out for you so you can follow it and do it yourself. My website's control the forward slash unstuck. Sometimes we have a piece of something that we want to achieve that we don't like doing. I like doing marketing. I don't like doing administrative things by nature. Um, some people love accounting. I have a friend, she's an attorney. She loves the studying the law part. And I have another friend who's an attorney who loves getting up before the judge and the jury. So even even a great attorney may not love all pieces of what they're doing and you may not love all pieces that are going to get you to where you're going. 

You may not want to go back and finish your degree, but you decide that that's what you need to do. You may not love all of it. You're going to love a lot of it, but the way to motivate yourself to do things you don't want to do is to remember your longterm goal that will help keep you motivated to do that little piece you don't want to look. If you just think, I just want to finish this class and I'm hating it, you may not be very motivated to finish that class, but if you can envision the final thing or the reward that you're going to give yourself after that class, then that helps. Helps you be more motivated. So those are just a couple little tips and tricks on how to keep yourself motivated. So again, let's just summarize, get unstuck by thinking about your future, forgetting about sugars and other people's ideas and why you can't do it. 

Just really getting clear on what you want for your life and then the second piece is breaking it up into steps to get there and to research your options and to start off really small with little baby steps and kind of trick yourself or keep yourself motivated. So those are a few tips I have for you. I hope you liked it. Some of the stuff I use on myself every day and things I use with my clients to keep them on course along their path to make whatever goals and dreams they have come true. I hope you have a great day and that your son was summer is going really well. Okay, I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks everyone. Bye.