Posts tagged borderline personality disorder
When to Give and When to Take in Your Relationship


We're going to talk about today: when to give and when to take and your relationships and this is also a lesson near and dear to my own heart because I wasn't very good at this to begin with and I learned how to get really good at it. If you're listening on the podcast and you are behind the scenes footage of my kids and me in this more natural setting, go to, and that's where you can find my podcast. It's on iTunes and Stitcher, but you can see behind the scenes footage and get the freebies on the podcast and if you went the freebie for today and you're really gonna want it because this is some stuff that's kind of hard to learn and as I talk about, it's in all kinds of different transactions in our life that we're not sure on when to give and take. 


I have a worksheet for you that breaks it down and give you the information so you can break down the different transactions in your life and to find that, just go to Give-take so Now let's talk about relationships, whether it's in romantic partnerships, in business, or with your friend or your kids, and we're going to change the way you view about relationships for a moment, so why don't you to get out of the mindset that you've maybe have been in for most of your life, about relationships and get into a new mindset. We tend to view our relationships emotionally about how we're feeling, even if we're not very. 


Even if we're not in touch with our emotions, we tend to react in our relationships. If that person makes me angry, then I do this. If I feel loved and happy, I do this so we feel an emotion and then we act or react to it. But what I want to teach you today is how to be more proactive, proactive in your relationships. Okay? Now I'm all about emotions. One of my hashtags is Hashtag Hustle, love. I love emotions. I love studying emotions and learning how to use them for our benefit, and I especially love the positive emotions, but I want you to get out of the mindset of emotions today and get into the mindset of relationships give and take, peace being all about transactions, and I'm going to give you a little analogy to really get your mindset into how our relationships, all of them, romantic, business, family, friends, they're all about all these transactions that happen all the time. 

So here's a little example I want you to think of. Envision this. You're sitting in your house and the light bulb in your room goes out. You can't see. You need a new light bulb and you don't have one. You have to go buy a new light bulb, right? You have a need. You want something from someone else and you're willing to pay for it. Can you see the transaction going on in there? You don't want to pay a thousand dollars for a light bulb. You might pay $1 and if it's really, really important to you, you might pay more. If you really count on that light, like if your child or yourself has sensory issues, or you need that on to live, you might spend more for that light bulb. You might spend more for a special light for lighting like we do in my studio, in my tiny house, or you might spend more on a light bulb that stays on all the time that has a generator attached to it somehow. Maybe a solar powered light bulb or a special one that's been developed for sensory issues. One of my linkedin friends developed that. It's a really cool idea and you're going to be paying more for those light bulbs. You might pay $35 for that, or 20 bucks for those fancy light bulbs rather than just a dollar for a light bulb. So you're going to place a value on that need that you have, that transaction. That light bulb is going to be worth something to you and someone is going to provide that light bulb to you. You're going to give and take in that situation, placing value on your need and what the other person has to give. That's how I want you to envision your relationships for a moment as transactions where you have a need and you're willing to pay a certain amount for it to be met. Okay, so first you have a need. Next you are certain about how much you want to pay for it. So that's a little bit different in our mindset about all these transactions, in our relationships, there are many ways to pay for our needs to be met and get a drink of water. 
Each of us have a lot of resources or capital in our own bank accounts to give in exchange for getting something in return. An example of some resources you might have or some examples. Let's give you a few. Here are you are emotionally supportive or you're pretty or you're handsome or you're a good housekeeper. Maybe you support someone's goals and dreams or you have intellectual knowledge to give to them. You can train them or mentor them as parents. We certainly do that, right? There's other skills you can bring to the relationship, like time management or financial management, or you can have a baby for someone that's a big one that you might have in your resource bank, something to give. There are tons of things that we have in our own inventory of what we have to give and it can include money in relationships, business relationships. We give money and it's involved in all of our relationships. Really Parent, child, friends in some ways. Certainly in romantic partnerships. Many is a big one, so I want you to think about what you have to give. Now if you don't have a lot to give in your inventory, 
it's just a logistical thing. What I want you to do is you start developing those skills within yourself so you have more to give. You learn how to get a better job so you make more money. You work out and look better. Whatever it is, no one is perfect in every area, but if you look at this in a transactional way, it's your building up your own bank account of what you have to give in a relationship and like I said, the Freebie this week at control, the forward slash give, dash take will help you go through this inventory and then there's another one we're going to go through in a minute, 
The more you had to give, the more balanced you'll have in your relationships. Even if you are a giver and you give a lot, it's a good idea to have more capital by developing yourself more. Right? Okay. Now the next step I want you to do is to take an inventory of the needs that you have that you want met. 
It's not either or. It's both. Remember, we're interdependent. You have needs that you need met and I want you to make an inventory of the needs that you have met and I want you to validate them. Sometimes we try to talk ourselves out of our own needs. We have needs. We have once. It's not just basic living. We have wants and desires and dreams and goals. I want you to validate those and I want you to go get those needs met. As much as we'd love to be an island unto ourselves, we are interdependent. Even the hermit that lives in the mountains in Idaho, someone developed some of the food, some the tools of that that guy needed and he's interdependent on them. It's a give and take and we have to play by the rules of the game of this life. That's the way it is to be human and so the better we get good at this, the better our lives are going to be. 
So in business it's easier to see how this works. We have a list of skills, we have a list of experience, we have training, we have certifications, we put them on our resume and that's what we have to bring to the table, and then there's an ad the employer puts out and he's willing to pay this much these hours, these basic things. So that transaction on the surface looks easier. In our romantic relationships, we make a list of what we want and we make a list of what we're trying to get from the other person and what they have, so you can break it down to very transactional here, but I'll tell you even in that work relationship you're going to get in that job and you the job description and what they expected from you is not the whole picture. It's going to be a random number. 
I could assign it to 10 percent of the picture and when you get into that romantic relationship, those things that you wanted and the things that you thought the person would give to you, you can't even conceive in your mind all the other pieces that are going to come with this and your job. You might have a sick child that was nowhere in the job description or any of it, but you're going to have that need come up. Certainly in romantic relationships and certainly when we have a child, we don't know what we're getting into. There's so many transactions have given. Take all day, every day that we can't expect. What if you are very compatible with someone and they get sick? That's going to change the balance, so we're going to talk about all of this and how to navigate these transactions throughout the day. Now, if you want more on this, even more than the Freebie I'm giving you, you want to join my class, retrain your brain, and you can learn more about it at control the brain. 
Check it out because this is where I'm really going to teach you this stuff and give you the opportunity to practice with me so that's control the forward slash, retrain. Bring. It's a good class. I've worked hard on it and it's, it's really awesome to see people's lives change and I love to be able to interact with you and to really work on this stuff together. So that's how you're going to start taking this inventory of give and take what you have to give, what you need. That's the first step. You're going to get clear as clear as you can on those things, but what happens when things come up that you've never thought of before? Okay, you have that baby and you didn't realize she wants you to never, ever do anything for yourself ever again and just catered to her, but that's impossible. 
So even with a little baby who you want to give everything to, there are transactions that happen, and even with that baby, you need to learn when to given when to take, okay, I'm going to help you get very clear on what you're going to bring to the table and what you need from the other person. Because even with that baby, you're going to need things from the other little person. That little person can't be a baby forever and sit in that crib. You're going to need that, Babe. You're going to need that baby to give you 15 minutes alone. Sometimes you're going to need that baby to learn how to pick up after themselves. There's transactions all the time and what I want you to understand is if you're giving too much or giving too little and that's why you came to this class. 
I know, I know. I know. That's why you're here, so first of all, you're going to practice on getting clear on what it is you want and what it is that you bring to the table, and now we're gonna work on the transactions that happen every day. They get the relationship off balance when one is giving in, one is taking. All right? All right. Again, I'm going to remind you. I want you to take every emotion off the table and just look at this logically. Think of the person that came to mind when you signed up for this episode. When you started listening, you are compelled to listen because there's a certain relationship. There may be more than one, but narrow it down to one right now and think, what does your gut tell you? Are you giving too much or you're giving too little and that relationship. Okay, what are you thinking here? And there's no right or wrong answer in every relationship. This happens. So first of all, we're going now with that in your mind, we're going to talk about taking about the other person giving to us. You have some things you need. You're clear on that. Now, this is how you take. 
You need more sleep, for example, or a cleaner house or intimacy. If it's a romantic partner, you need them to make more money to bring to the household. You have these needs and you're clear on them. Guess what, my friend? It's up to you to ask them for it. You've got to ask for it. You can't assume that the other person is as kind hearted and as generous as you are. You have to ask for what you need, whether it's that baby, that boss, your romantic partner, your best friend. You have to ask for what you need. If you want to get really good on how to ask for what you need, I will put it in my show notes, the link to the episode I did on how to ask for anything you want because there are certain skills involved in asking. You have to know when to be more intense with your requests and the big granddaddy of them all is how to understand positive reinforcement because that's what motivates human behavior is a reward and I teach you in that episode how to do all that and in my retrain your brain class, we go into a lot of depth on all of these skills because there's two pieces to this. 
There's retraining our brain and there's the skills and I want you to understand how to motivate someone to do something for you without the fear of losing the relationship. And this piece is really, really key right now. Let me get a drink because I'm talking really fast and there's a lot of information here and that's why I want you to get the Freebie so you can really sit down and understand all this stuff. Think about how afraid you are of losing a relationship and what I want you to know, his relationships are not as fragile as you think. There are some exceptions to this, but so often we're so afraid of losing a relationship that we don't ask and we don't take. 
This is for two general reasons. Number one is we're insecure and we don't have self confidence in ourselves and we don't have the skills to ask and the other reason is because some people are really good at asking or they're really manipulative or they're really good at shutting you down. When you ask and making you, making you feel guilty about it, so either we're insecure or they're good at asking, and so those two reasons right there will stop you from asking, okay, but I'm telling you, even in both of those scenarios, the relationship is not as fragile as you think, and that's what I want you to practice this week. I want you to practice just practice for a week. It's probably not going to be a make or break on your relationship. There are some exceptions to this rule, but practice for one week, not being afraid to lose your relationship, whether it's with your boss or whomever. Practice asking. Okay. That's a little practice. 
All right. Um, let's see. Okay. Now trying to think of what I wanted to tell you next. I think that's good for this bit. That's a little summary of how you take, but here's the piece. I didn't want to tell you about this. If your answer was you feel like you're taking too much, I want you to think about two pieces of this. There are two reasons I want you to think about why you might be taking too much, taking too much. One, you're just actually. There's three reasons. One is you're just used to taking, you feel entitled and you just take too much and it's destroying your relationships. Ultimately you'll know if that's you or if you don't get some input from someone that you trust the other be you feel like you're taking too much from a particular person just because they can't keep giving it to you. 
They just can't. They can't give it to you. So you're requesting too much from them, then they can really give, and then there's a reason that you've probably never thought about in this, in that is sometimes when we feel like we're taking too much. I really want you to hear this. It's because you're violating your own value system. You don't want to take that much. What you really want is to be able to give those things to yourself. You really want to be more independent, and this is a piece about equality in a relationship that I want you to understand, and that is that sometimes in our relationships you can't ask for more. You can't ask for more in your relationship because that person has more authority than you think about a boss who gives you money. They're going to have more authority than you, so there's certain things you can't ask them for because they have the leverage. 
If you're financially or emotionally dependent on someone, let me tell you, sister or brother, they have leverage on you. The way to equalize that relationship is for you to get more financially independent. Might take awhile. If you're a teenager and you don't want to do what your parents say, it's gonna take you all not to be financially independent, but you need to work on that because they're going to have the leverage there. If you're emotionally dependent on someone, if you're dependent on someone to soothe your emotions, then you're very dependent on them to do that. The only way to level that playing field is for you to learn how to take care of your own emotions. This will help you be more independent like that stuff to think about. All right, so let me go to the next one in my new. There's only one last bit that I really want to talk to you about today and this is a really important piece and again, if you want the notes, go to control the forward slash gift Dash. Take one last piece that's really important. I want you to think about some of the most needy people will make you feel like they have the leverage over you. 
So we talked about leverage, right? Some of them will make you feel like they have
the leverage over you, right? So remember, those are some of the most needy people and there's like a little babble kind of word for it and that is there a controlling. They have a need to control you and in doing that they will make you try to feel bad or incompetent so they can control you, right? They're going to try to make you feel bad. They're going to try to make you feel like you owe them more than you can give. Are you feel like giving or you want to give. It's up to you to get clear on who you are and not let anyone ever take you off course of what you want to give. Right? That's a really important piece and I hope you got that. If you have any questions, email us at and I'll see you next week with a little behind the scenes on how this works behind the camera in our tiny house. Okay. Thanks for joining us everyone. I would love to hear your comments. All right, see you later. Bye.

How to Find Resources for Anything You Need
How to Find Resources for Anything You Need Podcast Header.png


Hello! I'm so happy to see you today. We're going to talk about finding resources and I love this lesson. I love all these lessons, right? But I really love this lesson because in therapy a lot of times we learned to work on our thoughts and certainly I talk a lot about that and I'm going to talk about that a little bit today too. But we don't know what to do.  If you're a student of law of attraction, one piece that's really missing in most of the teaching, certainly not all of it, is how to find resources and how to take action. So we talk a lot about how to think and our thoughts and my book is all about that, but in the formula in my book, "Control the Future: Thought Technology for Influencers one piece to creating your future, right..the first is problems times, inspiration times, resources equal your future.

01:05 So I talk about problems and the role of problems and how they lead to your future. I talked about getting into inspiration, which is a huge piece of all of it and it's also a piece of finding resources and then I talk about now today is finding resources because you can think about things all you want, but if you don't have resources, you can't have it.

We're going to talk about three things today in each piece is about how to get to resources. One, we are going to talk about the thought work, but no. Well, we're going to talk about getting into inspiration. That's the second piece, but in the first piece we're going to talk about the thought work about getting clear on what it is you really want because you can't achieve a goal unless you know what you want. Okay? Number one, we're going to talk about that.


02:00 Number two, we're going to talk about getting into the state of inspiration and I'm going to define that in order to let more ideas come to your mind. Then are in there right now because when you have a goal, I guarantee you, even if you're very, very clear on what your goal is and what you want out of life, you're going to just have a piece of the answer on how to get there, so getting into inspiration will really help you with that. The third piece is the action that you take, the steps you take to get what you want and finding those resources to make it happen. But first, let's talk a little bit about what resources really are. So resources are anything you need to reach your goal. If you want a lover, you need another person. If you want to be self, you are going to need finances.

03:02 You are going to need apps and software. You're going to need a building. You're going to need material goods. If you're selling them, you're going to need employees. If you want to have a have a baby, you're gonna need to figure out how to have a baby. If you want more money, you need a job or some way to make money or you need someone to give it to you. These are all resources that we have. If you want to lose weight, you need to find a plan that works for you, right? So whatever it is you want, you need the resources to get there and resources from a higher level like going back into this whole framework of inspiration and how we're connected to the universe, resources or currency. They connect with us. And so I'm going to teach you a little bit of a huge secret and there's more in my book and there's certainly more in this course on how to connect to resources when you can't see them.

04:08 So that word currency, if you think about it, currency is a word that we have for money, its currency, but if you think about that were connected or there's a current between snr resources will help you to think in a higher level way about how we connect with the resources. Right? So that's a little definition about what resources are there. Anything you need to reach your goal. And that we're connected with them and our work really is how to connect with them. Like how do we connect with that one person we've been looking for whole life. Okay, all right. The first thing and one of the pieces that attracted me to life coaching in the first place was getting clear on your purpose or what you really want out of your life or understanding and connecting with your true self or your authentic self. And I have lots of examples and lessons and episodes on how to do this in my podcast, on my blog, in my facebook live group, and I'm going to include much more of this in my course and I love this whole concept of how do I connect with my true self and how in how do I connect with what I really want?

05:37 So I want you to do that work on what you really want. Now I have lots of resources on how to do that. Again, resources, currency to connect to you on how to find what you really want. But I'm going to give you a little example today that I hope I hope will really help you over and above things that I've already taught you.

05:59 I want you to think about. Let's just use the example of a happy partnership. Let's just say that what you really want is a happy relationship. And I will tell you that a very high percentage of conversations I have with my clients are about relationships. It's probably the thing that brings people to therapy the most relationships or money or finding happiness in life. But relationships are a big one. So let me talk about that. Let's just say that you want a happy partnership. I want you to think about what that looks like to you and you can use my lesson on do want, don't want, and the homework on that to get clearer on the kind of partnership you want. So what you would do in that example is you would list everything you've learned. You don't want an interrelationship and that will make you more clear on what you do want in a relationship.

07:03 So remember, the purpose of problems is always to guide guidance towards our preferences and what we really want in life. So do the work on understanding the rule of problems the do want, don't work, don't want homework. And then when you get clear as clear as you can on what you do want, say for example in a relationship you say, I want someone who's handsome, I want someone who's emotionally supportive. I want someone who wants kids. Whatever it is. These are your preferences. You get to have your preferences. But I want to tell you something here that goes over and above this. And let me give you an example of how this worked in my life. Once we get clear on what we want, we need to stay attached to the essence of it. And here's the reason why life gives us preferences and we have preferences and we get connected with what we want.

08:10 But I promise you the universe is big. And in the example of a person or a job, our mind can only hold so much information about the type of person or the type of job that we want. So we have to stay open to the essence of what we know as much as we know, as much as we can think of in our brains of what we want, but we want to stay open to the bigger picture of everything there is out there for us, in my example, starting a new company in a business and my public persona and all the stuff that I'm doing right now. I promise you I'm clear then most people on what I want, but I only in my brain can understand a little piece of where this is going. I know what I want. I know the life I want.

09:06 I know I want to help people and I want to do it in a big way, but I don't know the end game. So I have to stay open. I do the pieces that I know, but have to stay open to the bigger picture. And so you do the thought work number one, but then you get into the place of inspiration in. In my formula. It's the eye, the problems teach us preferences, and then we go into the state of inspiration to get the bigger picture. So what does that look like? We've talked about meditation. Meditation is a good one. If you meditate, that's great. There's other ways to get into the state of inspiration and in my book, control the future thought technology for influencers. I tell you lots of them, but let me tell you why you get into this place of inspiration and then I'll tell you how a little bit you get into the place of inspiration because like I said, there's a limited amount of information in your brain and what you're trying to do is see the bigger picture, connect with more resources, have an open mind to see the perfect partner that's there for you that you might be missing so you can bet, annotate, you can do certain things.

10:21 I could just go out and be happy. If you were having a lot of anxiety around this particular issue, the anxiety is going to keep your mind from seeing the possibilities because you're just seeing the problem or seeing what you don't have. So what I want you to do is go out and be happy to take your mind off the problem. Go to a spa, go play golf. What is it that you love? Watch TV. Take a nap, take a walk, hang out with a friend. There can be a lot of things that you do to get into the state of inspiration. What is it that you love to do that takes your mind off of everything else? It kind of will reboot your mind, and that's the great thing about meditation. It reboots your mind, those thoughts that are limiting you. It reboots it, and then you can open up and see more possibilities.

11:15 And this is all really important, but before taking action, because if you take action with the few steps that you know how to do, you might not be as effective as if you open up your mind and you see more possibilities and then you take inspired action, right? Okay. So let's talk about action because this is a piece that we're all waiting for. How do we take action? We have the goal in mind. We're staying with the essence of it, we're specific in our mind as we know to be, but we're staying high level, giving an inspiration and then we're ready to take action. So let's use my work right now in my business as an example of taking action. When I really entered the public persona right, or the spotlight, I had some steps in mind. I had a goal, right? My goal was to be a public figure to get the message out to as many people to help them and in my mind I thought, how do I do that?

12:28 How do I get there, say 12 months for my original goal, so I built out and what I do is I take a big picture and then I break it down into what I do. You can do this however you want with whatever time management or project management system, you break it into goals, individual goals, so I usually do quarters this quarter. I'm going to accomplish this this quarter, this and it's building blocks. So I start off with the foundation and then I build on that and build on that and build on that. You want to really do that. You want to use post it notes, your whiteboard, your notebook, your time management or project management system, whatever works for you. If you like graphs and charts and breakdown your end goal, you want to break down the end goal and then build it into as many pieces as possible and then say, for me, I take those four quarters in a year and then I break it down into weeks and then I break it down into days, so you're going to get more and more specific and granular with those action steps.

13:47 That's what we do. We have these achievable goals. Now. That's terrifying when you don't really know. You don't really know what to do to get there or it looks huge because I want to build a business. I know 12 months from now I'm going to need employees. I know I'm going to need money along the way. I haven't. None of those. Whenever you start something, you don't have what you want, you might have a few pieces of it. If I'm trying to attract a mate, I might have some of those pieces of what I need to get there. I might have preferences. I might have good hair, I might be on a dating site, but there's going to be things I need along the way that I'm not aware of. Maybe the dating site. It's not going to work. Maybe I have a plan the first three months to get in shape and to go to therapy and get my right.

14:51 I'm going to take this course and I'm going to be all clean and ready. You have that as your first step. Your second step is to get on a dating site or to join single support groups or just start talking to friends with the goal of finding someone in the next 12 months that I really want to settle down with. You. Break it into those steps because taking action is really important. Remember, remember that you want to take inspired action. If you open your mind, if you go to a concert, you're going to get an idea on how to do this, but you do the best you can to break it in pieces and that's where a coach can really come in handy just like a coach trains you for the marathon. A coach can help you break it into the best steps that they know how to do to get you there and then break it into the days and have a training calendar.

15:42 So if you're training for a marathon, you're going to go look for six months marathon training and you're going to start by running three miles and then you're going to add it and you're going to use all the best practices to get there. I so you are going to break it down, but let me let me prepare you for something. Even if you're training for a marathon and you have that all, you're going to get sick one day and you're going to be behind a week or you might sprain your ankle. I'm not wishing that on you, but I'm seeing things happen in life. Don't let it discourage you because those three pieces I just said, getting clear on what you want, taking action or getting inspired and taking action, they kind of rotate in and out, so I might start two weeks into my goal and say, oh, that's not working right, so then that not working as a problem.

16:40 It's going to be like a micro piece of it and I'm going to go back to, oh, this problem helped me refine this goal even more, and so you're going to encounter problems along the way to get to your goal. That's okay. Don't be discouraged. You're going to get more and more clear and refined on what it is you want, and then you're going to, if you're feeling negative emotion, you're going to get back into the place of inspiration and then that's going to help you come up with new and different action steps along the way. That's a little bit about taking action. Okay? I want you to know at the beginning if it seems overwhelming to reach your goal, you don't have to do everything at one time. Sometimes at the beginning it's just about a lot of research. It's about asking questions and listening to podcasts and going to school intake, intaking a course in getting clear.

17:41 Sometimes you know the end goal, but the resource to get there is actually learning more about it and that's okay. That's okay, and don't be overwhelmed that you have to do everything at one time. Break it down and then adjust along the way. All right? You like that? Now, one thing that's really important in finding resources is this piece I talked about connecting with greater resources. This whole currency thing in the place of inspiration, I want you to get your mind into the space of you are connected to all resources in the entire universe. I know that's a tough sell, but it's true. If someone else's, why can't you be? You are. You're a part of the bigger picture and it's part of your life and what you want for your life, so empty your mind and know that everything's yours to have everything you want, even if it's not looking like it at at the time and when you start taking those actions.

18:47 I want you to learn to follow your gut, follow your impulses. If you have a whole day planned, certainly there's going to be things you can't change like me recording this, but you might want to, um, following impulse to do something else and it can lead you somewhere that you really want to go. Again, our minds are limited so we don't know all the answers, but if we can be open to following our gut to connecting with greater resources, you'll be surprised at where it will lead. Okay. Let me give you a personal example of how that worked for me. After my first divorce, I've been divorced twice. After my first divorce, I'd been a stay at home mom and I needed to work and I did not know what to do because I'd been a stay at home mom for so long. I ended up getting the most amazing job in tech before working for tech was cool.

19:51 It was a fortune 100 best places to work. They paid for all my training. They, it was the we. I started off with three weeks of vacation, started off with three weeks of vacation, unlimited sick days, you know, we had all the perks of working for a tech company. We had a hair salon and a carwash place and cafes and anything you can imagine, a free food. I had my wildest dreams could not have imagined I was going to get that job or even how to get there, but I joined a support group because I was guided or led or felt a good impulse to be a part of the support group for people that were going through a divorce and I met a man in that group who became like a father figure to me and he ended up helping me get this job so you don't know where it's gonna come from.

20:48 It's going to be random. Again. You have just a few things in your mind of how to get there. Follow your gut and it will lead you to the resources. He was a resource I never, ever thought would be a resource for this other goal. I thought he was going to be a resource to help me get over my divorce, but he helps me get a job, so see how it works. You want to stay open. I remember I told you to stay open to the essence. I also want you to stay open to the timing. For me, everything takes so much longer. I don't know if that's the case for you, but it takes longer than you think to reach your goals. There's doubt. You don't know how it's going to happen and you don't know what to do sometimes, but just keep taking action.

21:49 You have it so strong in your mind after doing all this work of what it is you want. I promise you it will happen. Just keep doing action. I remember, and I've studied, as you know me by now, I've studied all kinds of religions and philosophies and therapies. I love wisdom and knowledge and I studied Kabbalah in Kavala. Taught me this a lot about just following our instincts and taking action. You do the thought work, you do this spiritual stuff, but then you always take an action, take an action. Take the the next right step. I think they say that in a or it's not official, but they say that a lot. Take the next right step. Just take action. It's really important and then you're going to connect with the resources. Okay? Last thing I want you to know, you are protected and loved by the universe you are, and this is going to happen for you in all the resources are out there for you to do the work on what it is you want.

22:59 Know that you're connected to every resource available and that it's there for you and the happier that you are in, the more you open your mind, the more you're going to have ideas on how to connect with them and find them and not miss them. If they're right in front of you, and then the last piece is taking action and you'll get to where you want to go. For more on this, make sure you read my whole book, control the future thought technology for influencers, but the chapter on finding resources specifically in how I connected with resources in my life story so randomly, and it's going to be random for you. Okay? I'd love to hear your feedback. Team t e a, m at control the future tech and I especially want to hear your success stories and all this. Okay. Have a beautiful day, my friend tapings for listening. See you.


Get Unstuck and Make Your Life Happen
How to Get Unstuck and Make Your Life Happen.png


Hello everybody, it's Tami Green.

Welcome back for our next installment of how to have a great time and have a great brain and a great life. And a piece of that which we're going to discuss in a minute about making your life happen, is taking the steps and you start with little steps.

So last about six months ago, I reentered into the public arena and I've been building and if you've been watching me, I've taken little steps to up my game along the way. I didn't start off with millions of dollars and professional everything. It's been incremental, incremental, and that's really important for you to understand as we're going into this. So we're going to talk about getting unstuck today and then making your life happen. So there's two pieces to this. The first step is getting unstuck. And then the second step is getting the steps in order and keeping the motivation to make your life happen.

So you may be a person that already has a vision for your life. You just don't know how to get there. 

Maybe you want to lose weight or you want a better relationship or a better job. You just don't know how to get there. Or maybe you're really not clear, you're just unsatisfied, but you don't know what you want. We're going to address all of that today.

Now in this episode, we're not going to go into an eight or twelve week course with me or one on one coaching where you can go deep into this, but I'm going to give you my best tips in one episode and if you want the worksheets on this so you can take this home and really dive into everything I'm talking about. Go to my website,,  I've got some really cool worksheets that you can really dive into this and spend more time on this because this is really good stuff. 

When I got certified as a life coach with Martha Beck, many years ago now, the two elements that I really learned about life coaching one on one was the first thing that we do with our students is we help them reach into their own inner guidance system and find out where their true self is leading them. We don't do it as life coaches. We give you the tools to do that and I'm going to give you some of those tools today. One of my favorite tools I'm going to give you in a minute.

The second step that we do with our clients is we help you make a clear, actionable plan to do what ever you want to accomplish. If you're a doctor and you want to get out of being a doctor and you want to be an artist, we're going to make the plan to get there. 


Whatever it is, if you want to have a baby, if you want a new job, if you want a girlfriend, whatever you want, a new house, whatever it is, I'll help you make the steps to get there. That's the second part of being a life coach, and in that second part, a huge, huge piece of it is to help you stay motivated. In executive coaching, we call it intrinsic motivation. Reaching in and helping you find your motivation that really sustains your efforts because that's a lot of it, isn't it? Trying to get you feeling like you really are enjoying the process and you're really making good progress and that you're on track rather than losing motivation. We're going to go over all of that today, so welcome.

Ready? Here we go. The first thing that we're going to talk about is this one little exercise, and honestly I may have gotten this from Martha. I've been using it for so many years. Or I may have created it myself. Sometimes I create a lot of things myself. Sometimes I borrow them and try to give them credit. Some things I can't. I can't remember how I've developed over the years. Sometimes my clients teach me things as well. 

First of all, whether you know exactly what you want or you're just feeling unsatisfied with your life now and you want more, this little exercise will help you get very clear on what you want out of your life. So when you're doing this in a quiet place, you're going to want to close your eyes. If you can't do that now while while you're listening because you're driving or whatever, get my worksheets at What are we talking about? Unstuck. Sit down quietly and do this exercise. It's the best way to do it, but listen to what I'm going to tell you now.

Take two minutes if you can, and listen this little exercise. I'm going to have you envision your best life ever five years from now, so if you can close your eyes and envision five years from now, the first thing I want you to remember is don't put any judgments around it or say I can't do that. I really want you to really daydream, okay? Daydream about what your best life would be five years from now, and what I'm gonna do is I'm going to have you think about waking up in the morning, in your bed first thing in the morning. You're waking up in your bed five years from now. 

Where are you? What does your bed look like? Is there anyone in bed with you? What do your sheets feel like? What's the air temperature? What's the furniture in your room? Are you in a house? Are you in an apartment in a hotel? Your very, very best day, five years from now, you wake up. Now I want you to think about walking to the window and looking outside and I want you to tell me what's out there. What is outside your window? Is it the suburbs? Is it the countryside? What season of the year is it? I want you to think about all of that. I want to think about when you've looked outside, what's the season of the year? Are you looking out in to the city or is it your yard? Is there a swing set out there or lake? What's your very best day? You can have any thing you want. Now what I want you to do is I want you to walk over to your closet and tell me what's in that closet, 

What kind of clothes are in your closet? Do you have workout clothes? Do you have the business suits? Do you have casual things? Are someone else's clothes in there or just yours? This is your life. You get to decide. Now, look on the floor and tell me what kind of shoes are there? What kind of shoes do you see? Maybe you have some random other things in that closet. Now look up on the top shelf. What's up there? 

This little exercise is going to give you so much insight into what your true self really wants and is calling you towards and the fact that it was a dream and not what someone expected of you helps you get in touch more with what you really want, not someone else's expectations.

So this is a really cool exercise that you can do and trust me, I do this exercise with myself every once in a while, every few years. What I want to address now, and this can happen at any phase of life, is when you just don't know what you want. If I gave you that scenario and you still felt like it was missing some elements, I'm going to talk to you a little bit about that. One thing is we have so many options these days and that's why getting in touch with your true self and this exercise helps clear some of that clutter. 

But if you were really young, for example, it's life experiences that really point us towards what we really want to do. If you're just graduating from high school for example, or in the middle of college, you don't even know what all the options are out there for you. And so when we get into the next piece, making your life happen, my advice for you is just to get out there and do stuff. Get out there and do stuff and I'm going to talk about that in a minute and some of the fears that we have about just getting out there and doing things, but know that life experiences for all of us, like in my book, Control the Future: Thought Technology for Influencers. I talk about how problems always lead us to solutions in our life and the role, the beneficial role of problems, and it's the same thing. 

Life experiences keep refining our desires so we have this heart for being a certain way or doing a certain way, but it keeps getting refined. So if you don't know exactly what you want to do, we're going to start going along the path best that you know. I'm going to tell you how to do that in a minute and the first thing I want you to do there is to start with what you love to do. What is it that you love to do? If you like to go to the aquarium and look at fish, go work in a fish place. Not like the kind where you eat fish, but where you clean out aquariums, you just go towards what you love. That's how you get started. If you're not very specific. I hope all that helps you. Now the bigger piece here and the piece that can be terrifying, is how to make your life happen. 

So at the beginning of this I said maybe you want to lose weight or want a new job. In that exercise I just gave you, you got clear on if you wanted someone in your bed or not, if you wanted a swing set in the backyard or a sailboat, so you're getting clear on all these things in. What I want you to think about is one major goal that you might have that came out of that little exercise. I talk a lot about Yin and Yang and dialectics, right? Opposing viewpoints, both here and in DBT, a kind of therapy I use a lot of the skills from. There's a tenant of it that says you have to accept and challenge both. It's a dialectic. The dialectic here is you have to envision and you have to create, you have to daydream and you have to do the work. 

Some of us work hard without getting clear in our minds on what we want. Some of those daydream all the time and don't do the work, so you have to do both to make your life happen. Okay? You have to take steps to get there and this is where we can feel stuck. Again, we can feel all kinds of feelings at this point. Here and when you start doing. I'm going to tell you how to get started in just a minute, but let me tell you, when you're doing something new and changing something big, it can be terrifying. It can feel terrifying. It can feel overwhelming and you can feel incompetent. I've really decided to do some big things and there have been days where I felt with out as many tools as I had, a lot of anxiety, or even downright fear, but I was sure on what I wanted, so I pushed through it and I did it. 

I did it anyway. I didn't listen to those emotions because they weren't true and I did some work with my self coaching on that, so I want to let you know you're gonna have all kinds of emotions that come up that don't feel comfortable, it's okay. Take action anyway and you're going to fail. You're going to make mistakes, and that's part of it. I think a lot of people don't try new things because they don't want to fail or they don't want to look incompetent, but I know the startup community in Silicon Valley, having been there, having clients and friends and family members that work in startups, startups are all about testing and finding out what what works and failing fast, so if you can change your mentality too, I'm just going to get out there and I'm going to learn along the way. It's slightly terrifying. 

I'm just going to do it instead of, Oh, I have to appear competent and I have to have it all together. When I come out here and I do these live shows, I have all kinds of stuff that goes wrong all the time. I trip up words. I say I'm too often, I say so all the time, whatever it is, don't worry about it. Get out there. There's a little song by Shakira that my little four year old twin girls listened to all the time is called Try Everything and that wouldn be a good song to just get the lyrics to at this point if you're struggling with just going out there and doing it, so you're going to have these emotions that come up, that feel that reminds you. This is hard. This is scary. I feel incompetent. The most successful people try new things. 

They break out of their comfort zone and they fail. Now the word fail is kind of a negative word, but if you just say it's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to learn. I'm just learning. We're all learning. I hope we're always learning or it's going to get really, really boring. Now you have this goal in mind. Let's say your goal is to start your own business. You can have any goal you want. I'm just going to use this as an example. You want to start your own business and I see myself five years from now getting dressed to go to my business in the little exercise I just gave you. I'm getting dressed to go to my business and it's going to be a good day. It's already established, so I know I want to start this business. I know what my business is going to be about, but how do I get there? 

The next step you can do with post it notes. You can do it with a project management system system like Trello. You can write it all out. I like to get a white board or a notebook and write it all out. You're going to have a lot of ideas at first on how to get there and you're going to weed out a lot of those ideas over time, but first, let me say this, how do you even get your ideas on how to get there? I want to start a business. I don't even know how to do it. You're going to listen to podcasts. I was listening to podcast this morning too. I was listening to podcast on things I don't know how to do. Things I'm working on right now as I build out my course even more and improve it even more. 

There are things I don't know, so you can listen to podcasts, you can go on the Internet, you can talk to people, you can read books, just go out there and research and collect ideas and it feels like you don't know what the hell you're doing at first and then you'll get an idea and you'll get clear on it and get closer. So when the example of starting a business, you know, you will kind of like start gathering data, oh I need to do the administrative and financial stuff. I don't know where to start and there'll be maybe like a column or a pillar of it. I need to learn or hire out marketing. I know to do that. Say you want to be a coach like me, you need to get certified. You don't even know where to start. So you start building out some foundational pillars of how to do it and then you're going to break it down even more and start going through that. 

When you get more advanced, like the next step in this would be to put it in your time management system with even smaller pieces. So you're going to start off big with the big idea. You're going to get a little bit more like chunks of the next steps, and then you're going to drill down in those steps and then you're actually in. What I do, and I can go over this specifically in another episode, would I do, is I put those little steps weekly and daily and hourly on how to reach all those goals. So that's how you start building momentum on this. But let's use an example of losing weight. Let's use an example of starting to work out because here's where the motivation comes in, especially if you're feeling intimidated or if you're feeling incompetent or just unmotivated. Here's where it comes in. 

Let's use the example of starting to work out. You've gained some way and you really want to get in shape and work out. Now there's two pieces to losing weight. There's the working out and there's the Diet. Let's just take one of these here in. It's good to just take maybe one thing at a time. The first thing I'm going to tell you, which I've told you in previous episodes, is you want to find stories of inspiration. People that have worked out kept the weight off, that's doing the getting unstuck part, and then when you start taking the steps, here's what I want you to do. I want you to take that first step. Say I'm going to work out at a gym and then take that tiny little step than half it again and then half it again, so whatever that first step you thought, I'm going to go workout at a gym. 

You're going to start off with maybe five percent of what you thought was your original first step. So let's start this. All right, I want to start an exercise program. Day One, what do I do? I researched Jim's on the internet. That's all I do. Or I talked to my friends about their gyms day too. I visit to gyms to see if I like them. Day three, I sign up for one gem day for I buy a workout outfit. Now, if this is all too much for you, you have this and half day one you researched, Jim's take a day off, day to you, visit to Jim, see if you break it down, but if you keep moving momentum, think about if you add five percent every day, how fast you're going to get to 100 percent, and this does something in our motivation. So let's play this out a little bit. 

They five, go sit in the parking lot, trust up to workout. Day Six, go in and pick a class. Day seven, go in and sit in the back of the class. Day Eight, go to the class and do five minutes a day. Nine, go do seven minutes and build up. You see what I'm. What I'm trying to get you to feel here is that it's. It's easier, not harder, and it's more rewarding. You're wanting to feel way better about yourself. If you go to a gym class and your goal is five minutes and you're probably going to stay for six, then if you say, I'm going to start that class and it's an hour long crossfit class and you feel like you're going to die and you can't get through it and you feel like a failure, that's one way and there are many that you can motivate yourself. 

There's one other piece of this that I want to bring up before we close up and again, if you want this information, go to control the forward slash unstuck. And I've got all this written out for you so you can follow it and do it yourself. My website's control the forward slash unstuck. Sometimes we have a piece of something that we want to achieve that we don't like doing. I like doing marketing. I don't like doing administrative things by nature. Um, some people love accounting. I have a friend, she's an attorney. She loves the studying the law part. And I have another friend who's an attorney who loves getting up before the judge and the jury. So even even a great attorney may not love all pieces of what they're doing and you may not love all pieces that are going to get you to where you're going. 

You may not want to go back and finish your degree, but you decide that that's what you need to do. You may not love all of it. You're going to love a lot of it, but the way to motivate yourself to do things you don't want to do is to remember your longterm goal that will help keep you motivated to do that little piece you don't want to look. If you just think, I just want to finish this class and I'm hating it, you may not be very motivated to finish that class, but if you can envision the final thing or the reward that you're going to give yourself after that class, then that helps. Helps you be more motivated. So those are just a couple little tips and tricks on how to keep yourself motivated. So again, let's just summarize, get unstuck by thinking about your future, forgetting about sugars and other people's ideas and why you can't do it. 

Just really getting clear on what you want for your life and then the second piece is breaking it up into steps to get there and to research your options and to start off really small with little baby steps and kind of trick yourself or keep yourself motivated. So those are a few tips I have for you. I hope you liked it. Some of the stuff I use on myself every day and things I use with my clients to keep them on course along their path to make whatever goals and dreams they have come true. I hope you have a great day and that your son was summer is going really well. Okay, I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks everyone. Bye.