Posts tagged life coaching for mental health
When to Give and When to Take in Your Relationship
 
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Transcript:

We're going to talk about today: when to give and when to take and your relationships and this is also a lesson near and dear to my own heart because I wasn't very good at this to begin with and I learned how to get really good at it. If you're listening on the podcast and you are behind the scenes footage of my kids and me in this more natural setting, go to controlthefuture.tech/podcast, and that's where you can find my podcast. It's on iTunes and Stitcher, but you can see behind the scenes footage and get the freebies on the podcast and if you went the freebie for today and you're really gonna want it because this is some stuff that's kind of hard to learn and as I talk about, it's in all kinds of different transactions in our life that we're not sure on when to give and take. 

 
 

I have a worksheet for you that breaks it down and give you the information so you can break down the different transactions in your life and to find that, just go to controlthefuture.tech/give-take. Give-take so controlthefuture.tech/give-take. Now let's talk about relationships, whether it's in romantic partnerships, in business, or with your friend or your kids, and we're going to change the way you view about relationships for a moment, so why don't you to get out of the mindset that you've maybe have been in for most of your life, about relationships and get into a new mindset. We tend to view our relationships emotionally about how we're feeling, even if we're not very. 

 
 

Even if we're not in touch with our emotions, we tend to react in our relationships. If that person makes me angry, then I do this. If I feel loved and happy, I do this so we feel an emotion and then we act or react to it. But what I want to teach you today is how to be more proactive, proactive in your relationships. Okay? Now I'm all about emotions. One of my hashtags is Hashtag Hustle, love. I love emotions. I love studying emotions and learning how to use them for our benefit, and I especially love the positive emotions, but I want you to get out of the mindset of emotions today and get into the mindset of relationships give and take, peace being all about transactions, and I'm going to give you a little analogy to really get your mindset into how our relationships, all of them, romantic, business, family, friends, they're all about all these transactions that happen all the time. 


So here's a little example I want you to think of. Envision this. You're sitting in your house and the light bulb in your room goes out. You can't see. You need a new light bulb and you don't have one. You have to go buy a new light bulb, right? You have a need. You want something from someone else and you're willing to pay for it. Can you see the transaction going on in there? You don't want to pay a thousand dollars for a light bulb. You might pay $1 and if it's really, really important to you, you might pay more. If you really count on that light, like if your child or yourself has sensory issues, or you need that on to live, you might spend more for that light bulb. You might spend more for a special light for lighting like we do in my studio, in my tiny house, or you might spend more on a light bulb that stays on all the time that has a generator attached to it somehow. Maybe a solar powered light bulb or a special one that's been developed for sensory issues. One of my linkedin friends developed that. It's a really cool idea and you're going to be paying more for those light bulbs. You might pay $35 for that, or 20 bucks for those fancy light bulbs rather than just a dollar for a light bulb. So you're going to place a value on that need that you have, that transaction. That light bulb is going to be worth something to you and someone is going to provide that light bulb to you. You're going to give and take in that situation, placing value on your need and what the other person has to give. That's how I want you to envision your relationships for a moment as transactions where you have a need and you're willing to pay a certain amount for it to be met. Okay, so first you have a need. Next you are certain about how much you want to pay for it. So that's a little bit different in our mindset about all these transactions, in our relationships, there are many ways to pay for our needs to be met and get a drink of water. 
Each of us have a lot of resources or capital in our own bank accounts to give in exchange for getting something in return. An example of some resources you might have or some examples. Let's give you a few. Here are you are emotionally supportive or you're pretty or you're handsome or you're a good housekeeper. Maybe you support someone's goals and dreams or you have intellectual knowledge to give to them. You can train them or mentor them as parents. We certainly do that, right? There's other skills you can bring to the relationship, like time management or financial management, or you can have a baby for someone that's a big one that you might have in your resource bank, something to give. There are tons of things that we have in our own inventory of what we have to give and it can include money in relationships, business relationships. We give money and it's involved in all of our relationships. Really Parent, child, friends in some ways. Certainly in romantic partnerships. Many is a big one, so I want you to think about what you have to give. Now if you don't have a lot to give in your inventory, 
it's just a logistical thing. What I want you to do is you start developing those skills within yourself so you have more to give. You learn how to get a better job so you make more money. You work out and look better. Whatever it is, no one is perfect in every area, but if you look at this in a transactional way, it's your building up your own bank account of what you have to give in a relationship and like I said, the Freebie this week at control, the future.tech forward slash give, dash take will help you go through this inventory and then there's another one we're going to go through in a minute, 
right? 
The more you had to give, the more balanced you'll have in your relationships. Even if you are a giver and you give a lot, it's a good idea to have more capital by developing yourself more. Right? Okay. Now the next step I want you to do is to take an inventory of the needs that you have that you want met. 
Okay? 
It's not either or. It's both. Remember, we're interdependent. You have needs that you need met and I want you to make an inventory of the needs that you have met and I want you to validate them. Sometimes we try to talk ourselves out of our own needs. We have needs. We have once. It's not just basic living. We have wants and desires and dreams and goals. I want you to validate those and I want you to go get those needs met. As much as we'd love to be an island unto ourselves, we are interdependent. Even the hermit that lives in the mountains in Idaho, someone developed some of the food, some the tools of that that guy needed and he's interdependent on them. It's a give and take and we have to play by the rules of the game of this life. That's the way it is to be human and so the better we get good at this, the better our lives are going to be. 
So in business it's easier to see how this works. We have a list of skills, we have a list of experience, we have training, we have certifications, we put them on our resume and that's what we have to bring to the table, and then there's an ad the employer puts out and he's willing to pay this much these hours, these basic things. So that transaction on the surface looks easier. In our romantic relationships, we make a list of what we want and we make a list of what we're trying to get from the other person and what they have, so you can break it down to very transactional here, but I'll tell you even in that work relationship you're going to get in that job and you the job description and what they expected from you is not the whole picture. It's going to be a random number. 
I could assign it to 10 percent of the picture and when you get into that romantic relationship, those things that you wanted and the things that you thought the person would give to you, you can't even conceive in your mind all the other pieces that are going to come with this and your job. You might have a sick child that was nowhere in the job description or any of it, but you're going to have that need come up. Certainly in romantic relationships and certainly when we have a child, we don't know what we're getting into. There's so many transactions have given. Take all day, every day that we can't expect. What if you are very compatible with someone and they get sick? That's going to change the balance, so we're going to talk about all of this and how to navigate these transactions throughout the day. Now, if you want more on this, even more than the Freebie I'm giving you, you want to join my class, retrain your brain, and you can learn more about it at control the future.tech/forward/retrain brain. 
Check it out because this is where I'm really going to teach you this stuff and give you the opportunity to practice with me so that's control the future.tech forward slash, retrain. Bring. It's a good class. I've worked hard on it and it's, it's really awesome to see people's lives change and I love to be able to interact with you and to really work on this stuff together. So that's how you're going to start taking this inventory of give and take what you have to give, what you need. That's the first step. You're going to get clear as clear as you can on those things, but what happens when things come up that you've never thought of before? Okay, you have that baby and you didn't realize she wants you to never, ever do anything for yourself ever again and just catered to her, but that's impossible. 
So even with a little baby who you want to give everything to, there are transactions that happen, and even with that baby, you need to learn when to given when to take, okay, I'm going to help you get very clear on what you're going to bring to the table and what you need from the other person. Because even with that baby, you're going to need things from the other little person. That little person can't be a baby forever and sit in that crib. You're going to need that, Babe. You're going to need that baby to give you 15 minutes alone. Sometimes you're going to need that baby to learn how to pick up after themselves. There's transactions all the time and what I want you to understand is if you're giving too much or giving too little and that's why you came to this class. 
I know, I know. I know. That's why you're here, so first of all, you're going to practice on getting clear on what it is you want and what it is that you bring to the table, and now we're gonna work on the transactions that happen every day. They get the relationship off balance when one is giving in, one is taking. All right? All right. Again, I'm going to remind you. I want you to take every emotion off the table and just look at this logically. Think of the person that came to mind when you signed up for this episode. When you started listening, you are compelled to listen because there's a certain relationship. There may be more than one, but narrow it down to one right now and think, what does your gut tell you? Are you giving too much or you're giving too little and that relationship. Okay, what are you thinking here? And there's no right or wrong answer in every relationship. This happens. So first of all, we're going now with that in your mind, we're going to talk about taking about the other person giving to us. You have some things you need. You're clear on that. Now, this is how you take. 
You need more sleep, for example, or a cleaner house or intimacy. If it's a romantic partner, you need them to make more money to bring to the household. You have these needs and you're clear on them. Guess what, my friend? It's up to you to ask them for it. You've got to ask for it. You can't assume that the other person is as kind hearted and as generous as you are. You have to ask for what you need, whether it's that baby, that boss, your romantic partner, your best friend. You have to ask for what you need. If you want to get really good on how to ask for what you need, I will put it in my show notes, the link to the episode I did on how to ask for anything you want because there are certain skills involved in asking. You have to know when to be more intense with your requests and the big granddaddy of them all is how to understand positive reinforcement because that's what motivates human behavior is a reward and I teach you in that episode how to do all that and in my retrain your brain class, we go into a lot of depth on all of these skills because there's two pieces to this. 
There's retraining our brain and there's the skills and I want you to understand how to motivate someone to do something for you without the fear of losing the relationship. And this piece is really, really key right now. Let me get a drink because I'm talking really fast and there's a lot of information here and that's why I want you to get the Freebie so you can really sit down and understand all this stuff. Think about how afraid you are of losing a relationship and what I want you to know, his relationships are not as fragile as you think. There are some exceptions to this, but so often we're so afraid of losing a relationship that we don't ask and we don't take. 
This is for two general reasons. Number one is we're insecure and we don't have self confidence in ourselves and we don't have the skills to ask and the other reason is because some people are really good at asking or they're really manipulative or they're really good at shutting you down. When you ask and making you, making you feel guilty about it, so either we're insecure or they're good at asking, and so those two reasons right there will stop you from asking, okay, but I'm telling you, even in both of those scenarios, the relationship is not as fragile as you think, and that's what I want you to practice this week. I want you to practice just practice for a week. It's probably not going to be a make or break on your relationship. There are some exceptions to this rule, but practice for one week, not being afraid to lose your relationship, whether it's with your boss or whomever. Practice asking. Okay. That's a little practice. 
Okay. 
All right. Um, let's see. Okay. Now trying to think of what I wanted to tell you next. I think that's good for this bit. That's a little summary of how you take, but here's the piece. I didn't want to tell you about this. If your answer was you feel like you're taking too much, I want you to think about two pieces of this. There are two reasons I want you to think about why you might be taking too much, taking too much. One, you're just actually. There's three reasons. One is you're just used to taking, you feel entitled and you just take too much and it's destroying your relationships. Ultimately you'll know if that's you or if you don't get some input from someone that you trust the other be you feel like you're taking too much from a particular person just because they can't keep giving it to you. 
They just can't. They can't give it to you. So you're requesting too much from them, then they can really give, and then there's a reason that you've probably never thought about in this, in that is sometimes when we feel like we're taking too much. I really want you to hear this. It's because you're violating your own value system. You don't want to take that much. What you really want is to be able to give those things to yourself. You really want to be more independent, and this is a piece about equality in a relationship that I want you to understand, and that is that sometimes in our relationships you can't ask for more. You can't ask for more in your relationship because that person has more authority than you think about a boss who gives you money. They're going to have more authority than you, so there's certain things you can't ask them for because they have the leverage. 
If you're financially or emotionally dependent on someone, let me tell you, sister or brother, they have leverage on you. The way to equalize that relationship is for you to get more financially independent. Might take awhile. If you're a teenager and you don't want to do what your parents say, it's gonna take you all not to be financially independent, but you need to work on that because they're going to have the leverage there. If you're emotionally dependent on someone, if you're dependent on someone to soothe your emotions, then you're very dependent on them to do that. The only way to level that playing field is for you to learn how to take care of your own emotions. This will help you be more independent like that stuff to think about. All right, so let me go to the next one in my new. There's only one last bit that I really want to talk to you about today and this is a really important piece and again, if you want the notes, go to control the future.tech forward slash gift Dash. Take one last piece that's really important. I want you to think about some of the most needy people will make you feel like they have the leverage over you. 
So we talked about leverage, right? Some of them will make you feel like they have
the leverage over you, right? So remember, those are some of the most needy people and there's like a little babble kind of word for it and that is there a controlling. They have a need to control you and in doing that they will make you try to feel bad or incompetent so they can control you, right? They're going to try to make you feel bad. They're going to try to make you feel like you owe them more than you can give. Are you feel like giving or you want to give. It's up to you to get clear on who you are and not let anyone ever take you off course of what you want to give. Right? That's a really important piece and I hope you got that. If you have any questions, email us at team@controlthefuture.tech and I'll see you next week with a little behind the scenes on how this works behind the camera in our tiny house. Okay. Thanks for joining us everyone. I would love to hear your comments. All right, see you later. Bye.
 

How to Say No Without Apologizing
 
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Transcript:

Hello, everybody, Tami Green. This is about how to say no without apologizing. Right? And this is one of my most empowering lessons. So I kind of give two different kinds of lessons if you could. So broadly categorize them. 

One is how to change your thinking, which is really important and the other piece is what do I do? And I went to therapy for years and said, okay, what do I do? I need skills, I need to understand how to do this stuff. And this is a really good example of this is if, how exactly you do this, so how to say no without apologizing. I'm going to give you four pieces to it and it's going to be a pretty long lesson because I'm going to give you so much. So I encourage you to go to controlthefuture.tech/say-no. Say no. Say-no. Controlthefuture.tech/say-no. And get the notes on this because there's gonna be some really cool stuff.

In the lesson today, I'm going to teach you a few things. Number one, the reasons we say no so often, right? And we shouldn't really or it's not getting us anywhere. And I want you to understand that. Number two is the good reasons to say no. Number three, how to say no without apologizing. I'm going to give you specific examples of what you can say. And then the last piece is that thinking piece, and I'm going to weave this in throughout the lesson a little bit because it's those self critical thoughts sometimes or the self thoughts that keep us from being effective. So we're gonna learn to recognize and replace self critical thoughts at the end. Number one, reasons why we don't say no, right? Why don't we say no? The reasons we don't say no is, and there's all kinds of reasons why we don't, but see if any of these resonate with you. 

Number one, we're afraid of what others will think of us. We don't want to lose those relationships or we're uncomfortable with saying no, it just doesn't feel right. And sometimes we say yes when we wanted to say no, just because we haven't practiced thing. No, we don't know how to do it. And I'm gonna teach you how. Sometimes we say yes because we were not taught as a child to put our own needs first. We had to say yes to other people and no one taught us how to believe in ourselves or stand up for ourselves or ask for what we want so we just don't know. Sometimes we're shut down when we speak up. That can be a current relationship or that could be past relationships were just shut down and one of the reasons we don't say no is because we don't really know who we are or what our own preferences are, so we just say yes to everything because what other people do might sound more interesting to our nothing. 

And then sometimes when we're taken advantage of or even violated, we feel helpless and we feel, and this is like a deep belief belief system we might have, we don't understand how to defend ourselves or stick up for ourselves because it's so deepness and then two more reasons why we might want to say no and you could add more to this or your own, but let me know if any of these resonate with you. Sometimes we just want to maintain an image of being a kind and a giving person. We want to maintain that image and we want to be able to meet everyone's needs and then the other reason in this, a lot of these reasons were my reasons, but another one that's really good is we're just very sensitive people and we care about how our words might affect others because they affect us so much and let me just say something on this point before we go on and that is that when we're very sensitive people, we think other people are sensitive like that and not everyone is. 

Now. Everyone's so affected like we are by rejection, so start thinking about that. All right. I'm going to give you some really good reasons to say no and then I'm going to teach you how to say no without apologizing, but this is going to tell you more about why you shouldn't apologize to number one. A good reason to say no is saying no will give us more resources to say no to what we want to do with our lives. Sometimes we say yes to other people's requests and we give away things. We give away our time, we give away our money. We loaned stuff out and we didn't really want to do that and then we don't have it for ourselves or to give to. We really want to give to. Right, and when we don't say no, very often our relationships become a lot of work and we start to feel really resentful. 

So learning to say no, we'll help you to enjoy your relationships more. You're going to feel more free in those relationships to enjoy with that person. What you want to enjoy instead of resenting everything you're doing. Now I like, I wanted to tell you, this is a lot that I'm going through, but I want you to have this information. So go to my website, control the future.tech forward slash say dash. No, and I'm going to give you all of this. It's a worksheet. I spent a lot of time on it for you and I hope you like it. Okay. Sometimes we don't give a strong no. And then we have to fend off future requests over and over again. Right? And so one advantage of learning how to give a strong though is then they people know it's a no, and we don't have to keep going through this over and over again. 

How about with our kids, right? If we're a parent or our parents, if we're a child, a grown tile, all right? So sometimes when we say yes, when we want to say no, we don't feel very strong and confidence. So saying no is going to make you feel strong and confident and you probably haven't thought about this one. This is a really good one. There's two last ones I want to give you about why to say no and they're about relationships. Number one, if you say no, you're actually going to have stronger relationships. Sometimes we think by saying no, we're going to have weaker relationships, but if you're worried about keeping your relationship just because you say no, what's gonna happen is the other person is gonna. Feel your doubt about the relationship, right? If you say, no, I don't want to do that, they're going to feel, oh, well, okay, that's just about that request. 

So if you feel like you're going to lose a relationship, thank you. If you feel like you're going to lose a relationship because you say no, they're going to feel that from you and that's going to make your relationship weaker. And I love this one. This is a great one. When you say no, you're going to attract higher quality relationships because when you say yes a lot, who are you? Who's. Who are you? Who are you going to be in a relationship with? You're going to be in relationship with people who are going to manipulate or use you, but if you're saying no, those people aren't going to want to be around you because they can't manipulate you and they can't use you because you're saying no. So you're going to attract better quality relationships. We train people how to treat us. We do, and this is a big way to treat other, to train other people how to treat us with respect, right? 

If you're fed up with someone not listening to you, you can do something about that. Learn to make your no and no and don't change your mind and I'm going to teach you a little bit about that and I used this word over and over again. It's practice. You're going to practice this until you get it right and some of the people in your life aren't going to know what's going on, but you're just going to keep doing it and I'm going to show you how to do it. Thank you. Okay. Before I say how to say no without apologizing, I want you to think more about this thought about your relationships and how you saying yes is affecting your relationships. When you keep saying yes, people view you as timid and lacking confidence and people will treat you that way and when you say yes to them, you are treating them as fragile or frail, like they can't handle the truth and they don't want to be treated that way either, so it's a much more respectful way to treat one another. 

Okay? You convinced it. You're ready to understand how to say no without apologizing. It's easier than you think, but it takes practice because of all this other stuff I just talked about. That's in our minds, so that's what I wanted to give you this piece first about getting the facts straight in your mind about what it's really like to say no, now we're going to practice saying it. The first thing that I say over and over again and one of the things that was missing for me in therapy and one of the huge pieces about being a life coach is getting clear on what we want ourselves. Because like I said at the beginning of this, we don't say no sometimes because we don't really know what we want. So spend time doing the other exercises in the lessons I teach you on what you really want out of life, but drilling this down specifically to conversations with people. 

There's three things I want you to keep in mind. You have three basic objectives in every conversation. One is to keep the relationship. One is to accomplish something or two is to accomplish something and three is to keep your self respect and in any given conversation you're gonna. Think about if you have the time to prepare for it, you're going to think about what do I want in this conversation like with a child? You might want the self respect. You want the child to understand that you're the authority, right? Sometimes you are at a place in a relationship where you really need to keep the relationship and so you might want to say yes at that point, but if you want to keep the self respect, you might want to say no. And then sometimes it's about an objective, like I talked about earlier, it's I don't want to spend time, I don't want to spend time giving away my time or resources. 

So there's three things in any conversation to get clear on your own objective and sometimes you can have more than one, but you want to prioritize them. You don't want to lose a relationship, but you really want your self respect and I'll tell you, if you're on this episode, you most likely are the person who's trying to keep the relationship more than the other things, so really wouldn't worry about that one very much, right? You probably have those relationships nailed down pretty well and you might want to let go of a couple of relationships of ones who are just trying to lose you or use you anyway. Something to think about. Okay, so those are the three things I want you to think about before any conversation. If you have the time to go into it. Now, I want you to practice for a solid week, not apologizing, not apologizing at all, never sing, sorry, one time, not even for mistakes that you make. 

Here's the reason why we all make mistakes. We all make mistakes, but unless it's really hurting someone, we shouldn't be apologizing for all of our mistakes. We should just maybe apologize for the ones that really hurt someone because if we're apologizing for every mistake I promised you, I'd be apologizing 50 times a day because we all make mistakes. It's part of life, so I want you to practice for one week not apologizing at all. That's gonna. Reset your brain on how to do this. Okay? Some things I want you to remember when saying no. First of all, keep it simple. Many times long explanations, send a message that you're uncomfortable saying no, so just say no, that doesn't work for me, or no, I can't do that. Just practice this. Okay? We're going to talk about being done with it too, and that may sound a little harsh just to keep it simple and short, but you've probably been way on the other end with long explanations, so to get you back to center, let's practice doing the extreme. 

Now you probably don't want to start practicing this extreme with your wife. She's maybe not going to know what's going on, but certainly in other situations with a sales rep or whatever, just practice. No, I can't do that right now. No, I'm not interested in keeping it short. Okay. Now, especially in our relationships, we want to keep you can say, no, that doesn't work for me, but you can say it in a gentle manner, in an easy manner. Keep the word short, but say it in a gentle, easy manner, right? You're going to learn how to be firm without having to yell. Sometimes we get so frustrated because people don't listen to us that we ended up yelling and sometimes it's their fault because they don't take no for an answer and sometimes it's our fault because we are wishy washy about our no, or they know if they keep pushing us like our kids, if they keep pushing us, we're going to give in until we yell and then we have to raise our intensity in order to get the know across, but the more from you are, the more you say no consistently, you're not going to have to yell as much and this is going to help all your relationships. 

All right? If you aren't sure of what you really want to do in any situation, it's okay to say, I'm not sure. Let me get back with you now. The more you practice everything I'm telling you, the more clear you're going to get and the more quickly you're going to be able to say yes or no because you're already going to know going into any conversation what you really want out of your life and that in that relationship and that conversation, but at first say, I'm not really sure I have to think about that. I'll get back with you and then if you could sit, I'll get back with you tomorrow or in an hour or some time that like close to the timeframe. They're not going to be following up with you or you're not going to leave it nebulous. You're going to get back with them. 

I'll get back with you tomorrow on that. Right now. The more practice you do on this, the easier it's going to be. Like I said, I'm learning new things every time and before I get good at them, I'm terrified. I'm afraid I don't have confidence. It feels like I'm in kindergarten and the first day and it feels uncomfortable. You're going to be afraid. You're going to be uncomfortable. Just do it. Just practice and like everything else, my kids just finished pre k and kindergarten the first day. They were so scared by the end of it, they got it really by the first week and that's going to happen with you. You're going to be a little timid, concerned or whatever emotion just do and with practice you're going to get. You're going to get so good at this, right? That's really important. If you want more practice on these kinds of things, join my course. 

It's called retrain the brain. Actually. Actually it's called a retrain your brain and you can visit my website, control the future forward slash retrain to get information on it so it's control the future.tech forward slash retrain. Bring okay for my class, so let's finish our lists and now here you're going to like this. You're gonna like this piece, okay? Sometimes you'll say yes because you're sure you want to do something, but then you change your mind later. That happens. Now, if you're doing it all the time, the reason why is because you haven't done the other work on what you really want to do, what you really want to do with your life, so do that work first, but I promise you in life you're going to schedule something and something that takes priority over that's gonna come up and you have to say no after you said yes, right? 

You'll say something like, I wanted to meet you Saturday, but I just learned I can't because I have to work again. Don't apologize. Don't say sorry. Just give the reason I don't say sorry. Just give the reason. If you get one thing out of this whole lesson, it's that. Don't say sorry. Just give the reason. Okay? All right. In this one, this is the last piece, and then I'm going to give you several exact things you can say, right? Um, without saying no. Sometimes you're going to encounter difficult people, especially if you have been saying yes to everyone, but there are people out there that when you say no, they're not going to like it. There are some people that will not take no for an answer and there's going to be some people that try to make us feel guilty or try to manipulate us. 

That's how they work in life. They tried to make other people feel guilty and they try to manipulate. Other people are not like that, so you don't get that and you don't do that, but guess what? There are a lot of people that do that. Don't let them make you feel guilty or manipulate you. Just saying no and repeat no. Over and over again. No, I'm not going to do that. No, I'm not going to do that. Eventually they're going to get it or you're going to end the relationship, right? Few examples on how to say no without apologizing. I'm just going to give you the statements and again, if you go to control the future.tech forward slash say Dash, they're all in there. I can't because I really can't take on anything else at the moment. Great. Um, I'm quite busy right now. Perhaps another time. 

Now if you say perhaps another time that's going to open up for a softer no, and then they might follow up with you or try to push you on it. So think about that. Is that really true? Do you really want to do it another time and you can just say, I'd like to help you out, but I don't feel up to it at the moment. So this would be a situation where you really do want to help the person out, but you just don't feel well right now. So sometimes it is a no and sometimes it's not right now kind of know. Then you could be even more gentle with it but still not apologize and say thank you for asking me. You're a really nice person but I don't want to go out with you or thank you for asking me. You're a really nice person but I don't want to do that on Saturday or I had a sales rep call today and I said, and I've been avoiding the call because I don't. 

I had to evaluate a solution. And then when I found the solution, I said, um, I don't need that. Thanks for calling again in the followup, but I don't need that. I'm not interested. And he was really relieved to hear that because he'd been following up a lot with me. He was really happy. Right? So all right. The last piece is if you struggle with self critical or self doubt thoughts. And sometimes when you say no, you can have a lot of these thoughts after it's like, oh, I shouldn't have done that. So let me give you some self talk that's good here. Just a few. And then we're going to be done. I really want you to practice these. Tell yourself, well, I explained to them why I couldn't do it or it's not my responsibility or it would only end up upsetting me if I agreed to do it. 

This is best for me. I feel less tired and not resentful. I might be in a better position to help them out next time, but not this time right now. Here's a couple other ones. If they're acting upset about it, right, they're going to get over it or you can look at past evidence. If you have a relationship where it's a strong relationship and they're really mad because you said no, like your child or your spouse or your parent, you don't have to worry about losing the relationship. You can just tell yourself they'll get over it. This is what's best for me. I'm getting better at this all the time and they're going, going to adjust. Right? So there's our little lesson for today. I told you it's a lot of information. You want the notes go to control their future dot forward slash say, Dash. No. If you want to join my class where I teach you all this stuff and more, you're going to go to control the future.tech forward slash retrain the brain. That's all for today. I'll see you next week. Thanks for joining me and bearing with me through potential technical difficulties without Christian here. Oh Gosh. I can only hear frogs. Dan, I just saw your comment. I hope you guys could hear everything. Okay. All right. I'll talk to you guys soon. See you later. Okay, bye.