Posts tagged tami green bpd
How to Make Major Set-Backs into Huge Leaps Forward!
 
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Transcript:

Today we're going to talk about how to make major setbacks in two huge leaps forward and I want to give a shout out to my linkedin and twitter girlfriends who are trying to master video because I found the secret sauce to views it is blush. I was looking at some of the data on the videos and the ones with more blush or getting more views. So if you're one of my guy friends experimenting with twitter feeds and Linkedin feeds on video, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe blush. Try it. Maybe Johnny Depp. Eyeliner I don't know. All right. Today we're going to talk about how to turn those major setbacks in your life into huge leaps forward. I don't know. I wouldn't call the live feed a debacle, a, um, major setback. But as I've talked about before, all problems have opportunities. And so I guess I'm going to learn more about obs and if you want the free worksheets to this and you're going to want them because there's a lot of good information in here, you're going to go to control the future dod tech forward slash huge dash leap.

 
 

01:17 Okay, that's my website control the future debt.tech. Then you're going to do forward slash huge dash leap. So let's dive in straight in now to what we're going to talk about today. There's nothing I ever talk about that I haven't personally been through and I think most coaches and really most therapists and psychologists, if you think about it, medical doctors, we all do what we do out of our life experiences.

 
 

So I've had some major setbacks in my life, so I'm going to tell you from experience that mentality from research. I'm going to tell you from all my training being alive, a life coach, we're going to go into all kinds of best practices on what to do and I know some of you, if you're not currently going through a major setback in life, there's been a major setbacks in your life and guess what?

02:11 There will be more. It's just life. And one thing I am always trying to teach you guys is you got to play by the rules of the game of life. You know, and I love law of attraction, but everything's pie in the sky. And if nothing's ever going to happen, that's just not going to happen, right? You're going to have major setbacks and I'm sorry if you're going through something really big and certainly those major setbacks, like loss of a loved one, loss of a marriage, losing your house, losing your job, those are some really big ones and there's some other ones out there, but I'm going to teach you how to turn them into huge leap forward today. And one thing I want to say about major transitions for me personally is if I caused them, like if I wanted a divorce, then it's stressful, but it's not as difficult.

03:09 The things that are the most difficult for me or things I don't want it to happen in my life. Things I didn't choose, I just didn't want to happen. Those are really hard. So we're going to talk about what to do when those things happen. Financial catastrophe is, is another one, and I'm going to give you some specific examples, sitting back and saying, all right, in today's episode, I'm going to teach you five things that are useful in dealing with major setbacks. Number one is how to minimize the grief and anger period that accompanies them. Right? Number two, I'm going to teach you how to give yourself a break when you feel disoriented and not yourself. That's what a major setback feels like, like you're disoriented. Number three, I'm going to give you the tools to get through the time it takes to recover when you feel like it's taking too long, right?

04:03 So I'm going to give you the tools to get through the time it takes to recover when it's feeling like it's taking too long, I'm going to help you remember number for the true role of problems. They're always there to lead you to something better, and so it was a major setback. I want to get you thinking about this major setback that you might be going through and how it's leading you to something better. And then finally, in the last point, I'm going to help you rebuild your life better than it was before. So we're going to go through these really quickly. I'm going to give you the real nuggets in each one of these five, and like I said, there's more information in my notes in my Freebie at control, the future.tech forward slash huge dash leap. Okay? All right. Now, number one, how to minimize the grief and anger period.

04:58 Everyone, everyone in life goes through major setbacks or upheavals and you're going to feel some emotion. If you know my story, you know I felt a lot of really bad feeling emotion and I don't like it and I have so many skills and tools under my belt to not feel depressed or angry or sad, and even with all the tools I have, I still, I still feel bad. I don't like it. It hurts. There's sadness, there's grief, it's part of life, and you're going to feel those things in. The first thing I want you to know about that is it's normal. It's normal to go through that, so don't beat yourself up. If you're feeling bad, okay? You're okay. It's okay. It's normal to feel angry or depressed, but you can minimize it. You don't want to stay in it forever and you want to get on with your life, but the most important piece to this, however bad you feel right now is to know that you are going to feel better.

06:09 You're going to feel better, and you should feel better. I don't care if you caused it yourself. The worst case scenario, you're feeling a lot of guilt or shame over it. You should feel better. You're, it's an you're entitled to feel better. I've got some stories of some people that I've worked with who've done some really awful things in their life and even those most awful things that you can think of that they've caused in their life that have made a major setback in their life like a major like imprisonment, right? They can feel better even in that situation and redeem it the way you have to do it when you're feeling so bad is you want to give yourself time to turn your thoughts, okay? Your mind to a better feeling, thought and emotion. If you want more on how to do this, go listen to my podcast.

07:08 Look at my youtube videos. I give you a lot of tools on how to get your thoughts better so you feel better and better and better. Okay? There's lots of information there on how to do it. So number one in this little first point is you want to give yourself a break that it might take a little time right? And then you want to work on feeling better and better in it. And remember, it's this turning your mind away from the problem and onto a better feeling thought. There's. There's one thing I want to let you know that it's okay if you're feeling really, really bad, you need to distract yourself with whatever works because remember, the more we think about a problem, the sadder or angry we're going to be and sometimes it feels good. You want to thank you, want to be. You want to be mad at the person or you want to be angry and you.

08:08 You need to go through that a little bit, but if you get stuck in that, it's not gonna feel good after a while. So if you can't work on those thoughts and sometimes you can. At first you just want to distract yourself and you're not a failure because your watching too much tv or you're drinking more than you should or whatever. Coping mechanism, eating more, okay? It's, it's for a season and just give yourself a break and just let yourself distract for a little time. Of course, we want to find the healthiest ways to distract. We can, and we're going to talk about that more in a minute. Okay? Remember when I said, give yourself a break when you feel disoriented or not yourself as the next point. This is all about putting, taking the pressure off yourself to feel like you have to fix everything immediately because major setbacks often don't allow for an immediate solution.

09:08 You may not know what to do at first and that's okay. If your world's been ripped it apart, you're going to feel disoriented. You're going to feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. You're going to feel like your breath as has been taken out of your tests like you got punched in the gut. If you think about a major setback, like one of those analogies, like you know, you know, say you when you were a kid and you ran into another kid and you fell on the ground and the first time you got your breath knocked out of you, it took you a minute to catch your breath and a major setbacks going to see. You're going to have to take a minute to catch your breath, so give yourself a break. When you're like, what happened? The lights just got knocked, knocked out, right?

09:51 Be Gentle with yourself and I want you to talk to yourself like you would talk to yourself like you had talked to a friend or a child, right? If it's a child or a friend that you cared about, had a major life setback, you'd be really gentle with them. You'd be really just listen and be their friend. You have to give yourself that first. Okay? Give yourself time to get your bearings and know that everyone feels disoriented after a major setback. What we, I don't know if you're like this, but we tend to want to know what to do. We want to tend to figure out why it happened. We want to know and we want permanence. We we love permanent, especially if something was working for you and it got taken away. That whole concept of impermanence in our lives was one of the hardest concepts for me to ever grasp because especially when I was younger, I got it.

10:55 By having things taken away from me, life is always changing what you want to do as one of the lessons of your major setback, and we're going to talk about learning the lessons in a minute so it feels better is you want to just embrace the beauty of the changes that are happening in you. Some good changes are happening. It's like the serenity prayer which I looked up to make sure I had right for you today and I didn't realize there was a second part to the serenity prayer, so it came to mind because when our life gives us a major setback, so we are having to learn how to accept a lot of things and just sit with it, understand it just accepted. If we can't understand it, just radically accept it just like in the serenity prayer and there's a lot of acceptance going on except the things you cannot change and then the courage to change what you can, but usually the courage to change what you can comes after the acceptance part, right?

12:03 Because if we can accept what's happened, we can't change it because we're going to keep going back and trying to make it as if it didn't happen. Okay? If you've taken a dbt skill class, you've learned radical acceptance and radical acceptance has been one of the most freeing concept of concepts of, uh, my life. You have to radically accept that things change. Some things are out of your control and you just want to give your heart and head time to accept what's happened to you. So I'm gonna read this serenity prayer to you because I want you to hear the second part of it too. Most of us know the first part, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. Living One day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, excepting hardships as the pathway to peace, man, if you can get that piece from what I'm saying today, accepting hardships as a pathway to peace.

13:06 You've mastered life. Basically you're enlightened at that point, so I want you to really listen to everything I'm talking about today because accepting hardships is a pathway to peace. Taking as he did the sinful, sinful world as it is not as I would have it, trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to his will, that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with him forever in the next. You don't have to be a Christian to get the pieces of that that are important for us to learn. Just a little note on this, if you followed me, you know that I've studied many religions, many religions, and there's nuggets from all religions and the serenity prayer was based in Christianity, but there's a lot of good stuff in there. Okay? The next thing I want to talk about that's important is I want to give you the tools to get through the time it takes to recover when you feel like it's taking too long, so I'm going to give you the tools, a few little tools to just give you that peace when you feel like the recovery is taking too long and I recently had a big majors financial setback in my life.

14:25 It wasn't. I couldn't have seen it coming. I trusted someone and they weren't trustworthy. I didn't see it coming and it was a major setback and I'm a go getter. I want to get stuff done and I wanted to solve it all and think I could solve it all. But sometimes we cause more grief by being. I don't want to say not to be optimistic because everything I preach is about being optimistic, but we have to be realistic about that. We can't control the time frame a lot of times about when things are gonna get back to normal or get or get better and we're going to talk some more about that. And remember I just said, you can just distract, you can just distract.

15:20 Distraction is a beautiful tool and it is a skill in and of itself. So remember I talked about, I alluded to a little bit, learning how to be present and this whole concept of impermanence is that we really want to enjoy things while we have them because when they're taken away or when their time in our life is over, ready for the next step, and that's what really is happening. We're ready for the next step. We tend to grieve that we didn't appreciate it. The way not to do this anymore in our lives going forward is to learn how to be present and in really enjoy the moment and have gratitude for the things that we have now. If you didn't do that before, just start now. Okay? So being mindful to the present is a skill that we learn and it makes us feel better, but an equally good skill or an also another good skill is to learn how to distract, to really not be present to that moment that's making us miserable. Does that make sense? Email me, if it doesn't, I'm going to tell you to do something and if you're really suffering when you hear this, you're gonna want to slap my face, but I want you to try to envision the good that may come of this, right? So let's talk about a horrible, horrible tragedy. Um, and I'm, I'm not making light of the suffering. I'm trying to get your mind wrapped around that good can come of every situation.

17:13 One tragedy that you could just think of it as an example would be a Ta, a child that was lost to something in just and how that parent grieves the loss of that child, but they also become an advocate. They also use that to propel them to do something really good in the world. I talked about before and I had in my mind, and I didn't know if I was going to tell you this one story about, I had a um, a classmate. I taught Nami classes to support support people with mental illness. He was actually going through the training to do it with me and this man. And I don't want to like bring you down with this. I want you to see that even in the worst major setbacks in life, beauty can come of it. But it really was a beautiful story.

18:05 This man, he'd had a psychotic break and he killed someone in it. Is this before he knew he had a mental illness and this ban, I remember sitting next to him thinking, if this happened to me, I don't know if I could ever get through it. Do you know how can you get through it? But somehow was support and love and learning these things. He turned it around and he dedicated his life to helping other people not have to go through psychotic breaks to get the mental health care that they needed and deserved before something tragic could happen. And he had a ministry, basically two people who had gone through some really horrible things. So those are two examples of really huge, like worst case, major setbacks and how something beautiful happened from it. And I give them to you because I want you to think of examples of what good might come from this major setback. I do this all the time. Okay, so what good can come of this because everything always works out for you and me, right? So I. I hate time, but time is not your enemy and things are working out for you and if you could just soothe yourself, it's okay. It doesn't have to be solved right now. Time is not my enemy and things are working out for me. Just remember that like that little mantra time is now my enemy and things are working out for me.

19:44 I've talked a lot about in my book in particular that there's a benevolence out there, putting things in motion. There is a benevolence out there. You can call it whatever you want, but that benevolence is putting things in motion, making sense of things for you and repairing it and making it better than it. It never happened and sometimes you, if all else fails, you just go to sleep at night and say, I give it. I give it up to you because I don't know how to figure this out and know that there's some things. Someone, someone's out there making sense of it for you and putting it together better than if it never happened.

20:27 Okay?

20:29 I love this one. I want you to remember that the role of problems in her life and problems seemed small compared to a major setback, but the role of all problems in life is leading you to something better. And my book control the future thought technology for influencers. A key piece of creating our future is problems. So get that book on kindle. If you can afford it, asked me, I'll send it to you. Okay, go team@controlthefuture.tech. I want you to have it. I want you to understand the role of problems and there's a lot in their life is always changing. It is, but there is a beauty to life that problem's always, and I promise you always lead to something better. Even major setbacks they do. We don't want pain. None of us want pain. So if we can learn what the role of pain is, why it's there, it's not. To make you suffer is to lead you to something better. It's going to help you through the transition and give you the answers to what's going on. Right? Okay. Let's see. Okay. I want you to rebuild your life better than it was before and that this is the huge leap forward. I've built up to the huge leap forward from a major, major setback, right? So you're doing all these things to feel better. You're settling in that it's going to take a little time. You're understanding that problem's always create opportunities and something better and now you're going to rebuild your life better than it was before. I've got some really little cool things to help you with this.

22:26 Um, I mentioned earlier that I've studied a lot of religions and when I was really suffering at one point in my life, I was like, why am I suffering? What is the point of suffering? That's a huge question so many people have, like if there's a god, why? Why is there so much suffering? For me, I came across in Kabbalah this little bit about the purpose of suffering is to make you more like God. Now that sounds really esoteric, like what does that mean? But basically it is the concept there and you can put it in into your belief system, but I want you to think about it is if we are put here on this earth to do something beautiful, then all suffering is in this way of thinking is

23:17 us not learning the lesson and that will continue to suffer until we learn the lesson of why we were suffering. And then when we learn the lesson, then we get out of the suffering. So learn the lesson. What is the lesson? What's the lesson that that major setback just taught you? And I know some of you right when I said that it popped into your mind because there's a lesson learned the lesson. If you don't know what it is, you just have to open your arms and say, I don't know. Teach me the lesson and in my situation and I'm going to walk through a couple of things that happened to me like what was the lesson and how did it make me better? Some major, huge setbacks I've had in my life have made me a better person.

24:08 When I, if you look, I just put on my website, um, control the future.tech. There's a little on the tab bpd and I put on that my testimony to Congress in 2008, which really launched my career unbeknownst to me that it would, but I talk about losing my children and I lost relationship with my children and that was by far the most painful thing I've ever been through. But when I said why, why did this happen and how can I become a better person with it? Some really magical things happened. I learned how to become a better mother. I think I'm a really, really good mom now and I took a lot of time to learn everything I needed to learn how to be a better mother. In my case, I learned how to control my emotions, communicate better. I learned what kids need for development, all kinds of things.

25:11 I became a really good mother because of that situation. And the biggest gift of all is when I didn't have my kids in my life and I longed for children. I ended up having my beautiful son hunter. And then my two beautiful twins, I never would have had them if my children would have been there with me. So something beautiful happened and then I got my other kids, my other sweet kids back to. And so I, I got more than I could have imagined. So those are some examples of that. I want you to start thinking about, learn the lesson. What lesson can I learn? How can I grow from this? How can this problem be leading me to my true future? And just follow that. And that's how you start building this new life in. The answers will come when you're feeling like, how can I get through this?

26:09 You're going to get through it. I know you don't believe it, but I promise you you will. And guess what else? You're going to learn more and you're going to become a better person and you're gonna. Have a bigger house. If you lost a house or a better house or a better job or the job that you're supposed to be in or the better husband or wife you will, something better will come of it. I promise in just. I know that might make you mad if you're feeling a lot of grief or anger, but I promise you it will and just remember that. Okay? Okay. One last thing. That's a little tip that's real practical because I've talked about a lot of like hard thinking and feeling and stuff like that. Here's a really practical little thing you can do if you've had a major setback, what is your setback?

27:01 Okay? It's in your mind right now. I'm gonna. Use the example of you just lost a lover. Okay? If you think about, I lost that particular person, it's him and I'll never have that person back. It's almost impossible to get over that. So one little thing you can do, it's a little trick, and it works is what did I lose that that person gave me? So then it takes the focus off of that person who will never have again in it. You can actually start to problem solve. What are the little pieces? So if you've lost a lover, what did you lose? I lost companionship. I lost sex as a intimate partner. I lost a housekeeper. I lost financial provision. I lost someone that made me feel better about myself. Right? That's a big one. So break down if it's a financial, if you lost your job, you want to break down how to replace the pieces of what you've lost and then you can start really starting to tackle it right?

28:04 Just replace those things and then when you start envisioning your new life and where it might go, you just want to. The next step is just to start researching it. It gives you something to do and you just start living at birth up inside you. It will happen. Okay? That's all I want to say for you today. I hope it helped. Like I said, it's a lot. Give yourself some time. Be Gentle with yourself and go get my notes. I'm at control. The future.tech forward slash huge dash leap. If you want more on this, email me if you have questions and if you really want to learn this stuff, you want to join my retrain your brain class and you can find information on that on my site. Control the future.tech forward slash retrain my brain and I hope to see you there. Love you guys. I look forward to good reports to give me the good reports and thanks for sticking around for this new video. Okay, bye everyone. Love you.

 

How Your Home Reflects Who You Are: Welcome to Our Tiny Home
 
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Transcript:

We're live. Hi everyone. Let's see if we can get this right. We've got new equipment everywhere. All right. Today's episode is our tiny home and we're live right? So we may have a couple of issues. We're learning how to use different equipment and different things and at the end when we go live, we're going to show you how it while we are alive at the end, we're going to show you the live view of our tiny home. Right?

 
 

Okay. So today's episode is about our tiny home. And the first thing I want you to know, because I'm a teacher, I'm always gonna try to teach you something, is that homes are a metaphor in our lives for our lives. So if you think about just going into this for a minute, that your home represents you. If you're describing your home, you're likely describing yourself. So I'm going to tell you a lot about myself and my own transition by explaining why I went from a 6,700 square foot house last year to this tiny home and we've got 950 square feet.

 
 

01:23 We have six of us living in it and my office and studios inside it, so I'm going to show you how we make all that work, but let's start with the story behind it and the why first.

Now, if you're listening to this on the podcast, your going to miss the tour of the home at the end because how can you see it on a podcast? I can describe it, but you can't see it if you want to see it or if you're watching this live and you want to replay it or you want my notes on this, including the l ittle tips for you and your life and how to make your home in line with your own personality. Go to control the future. Dod Tech forward slash tiny dash home, so it's controlled the future.tech forward slash tiny dash home. Okay. That's where this episode lives.

02:25 Okay.

02:26 You can also go to my website and just look for it on the podcast. Now I'm a single mom with three kids and today two of my kids have a birthday and they have a birthday together on the same day because they're twins. They're the icing on my cake there. My little precious girl, twins, Lillian Gracie. So shout out to Lillian Gracie. Hi. Happy Birthday. You guys. Happy being five years old. Little joy of my life and I want to say hi to a hunter too. He's my six year old and he's my favorite now in our family. We have a tradition where we call all of our kids and our grandkids our favorite, so don't feel like my other kids are going to worry about that, but they all feel special when I call them that. Now my son, Christian also lives with me and you know him.

03:19 If you've contacted me, he helps me with a lot of things. He answers your emails. He helps with technical stuff and he helps with social media and in a minute he's going to be on the tour of the house. We're going to show you the background of the studio and the rest of the house and how we organize it and how we live.

Why am I in a tiny house last year or just go back a couple of years ago. I'm living in a 6,700 square foot gated mansion. It was a very, very big house with a lot of unnecessary space in a lot of unnecessary rooms. Now having the best of the best is nice. I'm not saying it wasn't nice, it was so nice and plenty of space for everything that I wanted. Any material possession I could ask for was in this house and we had.

 
 

04:16 I had my own office space. There are lots of beautiful things about this house. It had a pool with a waterfall, one acre nicely landscaped backyard, but with all of that Nice space and all those beautiful things came a ton of work. Imagine having twins, twin newborns, and if you are a mom of a multiple or a doubt, have a multiple high five because you know it's not easy and I had a one year old at the time taking care of this huge house. A pool was six pumps, all the landscaping. I had a pool guy, I had a maintenance guy to come fix the waterfall and the pumps. There was always something to fix on this house and cleaning. It was ridiculous, right? So there was so much work involved in this house and it literally took I would say 35 hours a week to maintain this house and we're not even talking about the financial resources that go into a house of this size.

05:22 Now. I'm not just talking about the mortgage payment, but utilities and things like that. And last year, last January when I decided to get a divorce and move out, if you think about anyone who's getting a divorce, maybe this isn't true for everyone, but this was true for me. I got a divorce from a lot of things. I was ready for a new step in my life and it didn't include all the material possessions and taking care of everything and it didn't include all the time and money going to things that I didn't think were reflecting my own value system, so I moved my family into a tiny home, 950 square feet and our tiny home is actually an apartment. They're called apartment homes and I chose this one because they look like a little house and they're really cool insight and everyone has their own style and you may not like my style and that's fine, but you might be curious about the backstory here and how you can make this work for you.

06:28 Basically what I did is I made room in my life financially and resource wise as far as my time and my energy to create something new and now in my tiny house, I don't have any maintenance. I have a maintenance guy. I had a maintenance guy here for a year. His name was Jose and I'm like, you are my bff. I'm going to get to know you. And he was and he was great, but I don't have to maintain. The only thing I have to do is change light bulbs. If my refrigerator breaks, I don't have to fix it. Washing machine, I don't have to replace it the time I save every month or let's just go weekly. The time I save weekly now in this tiny home is like 35 hours a week. I don't have to fix anything. There's no lawn. And so I save a ton of time there.

07:21 Not to mention the finances and the finances aren't just about the maintenance on a big home, but because our space is so small and for those of you who've embraced a more minimalistic lifestyle, the thing about a small space is everything has to have a function and there's not room for extra junk junk so you're not spending a lot of extra money on things you don't need. And that feels really, really good. It just feels very clean. It feels very organized and it feels like I'm using all my resources to build my business, to spend time with my family, to take care of my health. And then take care of my primary relationships and there's nothing more important to me at this time in my life than doing that. Do I think I'll always live in a 950 square foot, tiny home I might personally, but my kids are going to get bigger and they're going to want more space probably.

08:25 And that's okay. Really. Nothing's forever in life. You may be a one of the fortunate ones that have lived in the same house forever, but moving is part of life. One of the changes I want to talk about as this metaphor for our lives is I live in the woodlands, Texas. The woodlands is a very fluent suburb, northwest Houston. And it's very beautiful. And I kept the beauty I the good schools and I kept um, the nice restaurants and things like that that are beautiful part of the woodlands. But what I did, what I did is I moved to a more diverse part of the woodlands. I wanted my kids to really have more experiences where before we had a gated home

09:21 and when we went into our home, those gates closed and you couldn't get in and we had privacy landscaping all the way around and we did have a beautiful pool, but what we have now is we have a community pool and my kids get to see their classmates and they walk across the parking lot and see their friends from school and they get to be exposed to so many more cultures. And it's not just about materialism. Now, if you live in a nice house and who knows, I might live in a house that size again, I'm not saying I won't. Um, and there's many things you like about it and maybe you need the privacy. There's times we all need different things. But for me, having my kids exposed to so much more is where we are right now. And one other thing I want to tell you about our tiny home and why I love it so much from my kids is Martha Beck. Doesn't analogy look her up sometime. She doesn't analogy of transitions in our life and how it's like a caterpillar and how we go into a cocoon and we dissolve and then we reemerge a butterfly

10:33 and there was something in me that needed our family to be close and cozy during this time. I wouldn't call it a time of healing, but it was a time of regathering and regrouping and refocusing and we've really, really enjoyed this close time that we've been able to have, so those are some reasons why we chose a family home. I'm going to give you a tour of it and show you how we actually live, how we organize and how our living spaces is organized and let me see. I think there's one thing else I wanted to say in my notes. Now that's it. Okay.

If you're listening on the podcast, go to control the future.tech forward slash tiny dash house are sorry, tiny dash home and you can see this tour for those of your. For those of you who are staying live right now, give us a second because Christian is gonna. Come in. We're going to disconnect a few things and then we're gonna take this, which is actually a Mac laptop. It's Christians. I have one, two, and we're going to walk around the house and show you everything. You want to come over here and disconnect us. Christian?

11:57 Yeah. That was his armpit.

12:08 Okay. Here a tour of the tiny house.

12:12 Standing up. Okay.

12:16 Okay. This behind the scenes, right here is my mattress. Why is it here? Because when you do a podcast in particular, you need a lot of sound, buffer, or softening of the sound. So that's what we do. Let me say this right here. I'm going to give you the tour of this. The background here, what these pictures are as good as you see them all the time. You see them all the time. So this is just a little beautiful. A map of Napa I biked through at one time. This is a little poster from. I've written about it before my secret boyfriend.

Of course there isn't Tami Green that you see behind me, so you know who I am and this beautiful masterpiece is some of my kids and grandkids hands, right? Isn't that sweet? And then love lives here. You've probably seen that. Okay. Let me grab this real quick and I'm going to show you. Hey, this is what you don't see. Okay. There's a pillow for more sound. There's blankets and stuff here. We kind of rearranged this everyday and then here are the lights. We have a lot of lights behind behind me while in go. And the reason we do that, so I don't look like this so you can actually see me. Okay. The light's going to be weird. Okay. All right. Little bit more toward. This is the pain. My grandpa dad.

13:48 Now turning around, if you look back into this room, you could see the whole thing. This tiny little room, that mattress over there is my bed. So what we do is after this breaks down on Mondays or sometimes Tuesdays, if I had a class that matches, goes on the floor and I sleep on the mattress. I had forever in here the king size bed that I brought from my big home and it didn't work for me anymore. Okay. I'm going to share the kids for. Here's this.

Welcome to our tiny home room for the kids. This is how three kids live. Bunk beds for two other bed. For one. We have a lot of secret treasures. Tiny little home, one closet for all of them. There's Christian and a wardroom. See how we manage. The thing about a tiny home I want you to know is that there is no room for anything extra. We have everything organized, but here's the great thing. It's so there's so little to clean. There's like nothing to clean and these little closets that you see are so easy to organize because there nothing we don't. Okay. Here's our hall. Look at this big started like four years is like nothing in it for your. Okay. Here's our living room.

15:25 So here's our tiny living room again, PD. So that house right there that you can't really see because the light is also Christian's bed. And then we took our dining room. See what I did for my kids, we took out the table and that's helping my little kids learn their letters and their words. Right, but nice outdoor area which really helps with outdoor living.

And then here is our tiny kitchen. It's so tiny. It's tiny, tiny and we still do a lot of cooking and a lot of baking in this tiny kitchen. The one thing that we have out appliance wise all the time, it was that popping. I don't own a toaster. Why do I not own a toaster? Is there's no room for it. I use a cookie sheet. It's just like really doubling up on stuff like that. So here's our tiny. I'm. Oh, where do the kids eat? Right there, right at the bar. Well we do at folks trying to get out of the picture. All right, there's on tiny home. Thanks for joining us on our little tour emails. That team@controlthefuture.tech. If you want to have any more insight into how we manage them, how we make this work. And remember, your home is a reflection of who you are and where you are with your life. So think about that and see how you can use that little tidbit to do some insight into your own personality and what you want. All right, you want to let us go?

17:11 Bye!

How to Say No Without Apologizing
 
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Transcript:

Hello, everybody, Tami Green. This is about how to say no without apologizing. Right? And this is one of my most empowering lessons. So I kind of give two different kinds of lessons if you could. So broadly categorize them. 

One is how to change your thinking, which is really important and the other piece is what do I do? And I went to therapy for years and said, okay, what do I do? I need skills, I need to understand how to do this stuff. And this is a really good example of this is if, how exactly you do this, so how to say no without apologizing. I'm going to give you four pieces to it and it's going to be a pretty long lesson because I'm going to give you so much. So I encourage you to go to controlthefuture.tech/say-no. Say no. Say-no. Controlthefuture.tech/say-no. And get the notes on this because there's gonna be some really cool stuff.

In the lesson today, I'm going to teach you a few things. Number one, the reasons we say no so often, right? And we shouldn't really or it's not getting us anywhere. And I want you to understand that. Number two is the good reasons to say no. Number three, how to say no without apologizing. I'm going to give you specific examples of what you can say. And then the last piece is that thinking piece, and I'm going to weave this in throughout the lesson a little bit because it's those self critical thoughts sometimes or the self thoughts that keep us from being effective. So we're gonna learn to recognize and replace self critical thoughts at the end. Number one, reasons why we don't say no, right? Why don't we say no? The reasons we don't say no is, and there's all kinds of reasons why we don't, but see if any of these resonate with you. 

Number one, we're afraid of what others will think of us. We don't want to lose those relationships or we're uncomfortable with saying no, it just doesn't feel right. And sometimes we say yes when we wanted to say no, just because we haven't practiced thing. No, we don't know how to do it. And I'm gonna teach you how. Sometimes we say yes because we were not taught as a child to put our own needs first. We had to say yes to other people and no one taught us how to believe in ourselves or stand up for ourselves or ask for what we want so we just don't know. Sometimes we're shut down when we speak up. That can be a current relationship or that could be past relationships were just shut down and one of the reasons we don't say no is because we don't really know who we are or what our own preferences are, so we just say yes to everything because what other people do might sound more interesting to our nothing. 

And then sometimes when we're taken advantage of or even violated, we feel helpless and we feel, and this is like a deep belief belief system we might have, we don't understand how to defend ourselves or stick up for ourselves because it's so deepness and then two more reasons why we might want to say no and you could add more to this or your own, but let me know if any of these resonate with you. Sometimes we just want to maintain an image of being a kind and a giving person. We want to maintain that image and we want to be able to meet everyone's needs and then the other reason in this, a lot of these reasons were my reasons, but another one that's really good is we're just very sensitive people and we care about how our words might affect others because they affect us so much and let me just say something on this point before we go on and that is that when we're very sensitive people, we think other people are sensitive like that and not everyone is. 

Now. Everyone's so affected like we are by rejection, so start thinking about that. All right. I'm going to give you some really good reasons to say no and then I'm going to teach you how to say no without apologizing, but this is going to tell you more about why you shouldn't apologize to number one. A good reason to say no is saying no will give us more resources to say no to what we want to do with our lives. Sometimes we say yes to other people's requests and we give away things. We give away our time, we give away our money. We loaned stuff out and we didn't really want to do that and then we don't have it for ourselves or to give to. We really want to give to. Right, and when we don't say no, very often our relationships become a lot of work and we start to feel really resentful. 

So learning to say no, we'll help you to enjoy your relationships more. You're going to feel more free in those relationships to enjoy with that person. What you want to enjoy instead of resenting everything you're doing. Now I like, I wanted to tell you, this is a lot that I'm going through, but I want you to have this information. So go to my website, control the future.tech forward slash say dash. No, and I'm going to give you all of this. It's a worksheet. I spent a lot of time on it for you and I hope you like it. Okay. Sometimes we don't give a strong no. And then we have to fend off future requests over and over again. Right? And so one advantage of learning how to give a strong though is then they people know it's a no, and we don't have to keep going through this over and over again. 

How about with our kids, right? If we're a parent or our parents, if we're a child, a grown tile, all right? So sometimes when we say yes, when we want to say no, we don't feel very strong and confidence. So saying no is going to make you feel strong and confident and you probably haven't thought about this one. This is a really good one. There's two last ones I want to give you about why to say no and they're about relationships. Number one, if you say no, you're actually going to have stronger relationships. Sometimes we think by saying no, we're going to have weaker relationships, but if you're worried about keeping your relationship just because you say no, what's gonna happen is the other person is gonna. Feel your doubt about the relationship, right? If you say, no, I don't want to do that, they're going to feel, oh, well, okay, that's just about that request. 

So if you feel like you're going to lose a relationship, thank you. If you feel like you're going to lose a relationship because you say no, they're going to feel that from you and that's going to make your relationship weaker. And I love this one. This is a great one. When you say no, you're going to attract higher quality relationships because when you say yes a lot, who are you? Who's. Who are you? Who are you going to be in a relationship with? You're going to be in relationship with people who are going to manipulate or use you, but if you're saying no, those people aren't going to want to be around you because they can't manipulate you and they can't use you because you're saying no. So you're going to attract better quality relationships. We train people how to treat us. We do, and this is a big way to treat other, to train other people how to treat us with respect, right? 

If you're fed up with someone not listening to you, you can do something about that. Learn to make your no and no and don't change your mind and I'm going to teach you a little bit about that and I used this word over and over again. It's practice. You're going to practice this until you get it right and some of the people in your life aren't going to know what's going on, but you're just going to keep doing it and I'm going to show you how to do it. Thank you. Okay. Before I say how to say no without apologizing, I want you to think more about this thought about your relationships and how you saying yes is affecting your relationships. When you keep saying yes, people view you as timid and lacking confidence and people will treat you that way and when you say yes to them, you are treating them as fragile or frail, like they can't handle the truth and they don't want to be treated that way either, so it's a much more respectful way to treat one another. 

Okay? You convinced it. You're ready to understand how to say no without apologizing. It's easier than you think, but it takes practice because of all this other stuff I just talked about. That's in our minds, so that's what I wanted to give you this piece first about getting the facts straight in your mind about what it's really like to say no, now we're going to practice saying it. The first thing that I say over and over again and one of the things that was missing for me in therapy and one of the huge pieces about being a life coach is getting clear on what we want ourselves. Because like I said at the beginning of this, we don't say no sometimes because we don't really know what we want. So spend time doing the other exercises in the lessons I teach you on what you really want out of life, but drilling this down specifically to conversations with people. 

There's three things I want you to keep in mind. You have three basic objectives in every conversation. One is to keep the relationship. One is to accomplish something or two is to accomplish something and three is to keep your self respect and in any given conversation you're gonna. Think about if you have the time to prepare for it, you're going to think about what do I want in this conversation like with a child? You might want the self respect. You want the child to understand that you're the authority, right? Sometimes you are at a place in a relationship where you really need to keep the relationship and so you might want to say yes at that point, but if you want to keep the self respect, you might want to say no. And then sometimes it's about an objective, like I talked about earlier, it's I don't want to spend time, I don't want to spend time giving away my time or resources. 

So there's three things in any conversation to get clear on your own objective and sometimes you can have more than one, but you want to prioritize them. You don't want to lose a relationship, but you really want your self respect and I'll tell you, if you're on this episode, you most likely are the person who's trying to keep the relationship more than the other things, so really wouldn't worry about that one very much, right? You probably have those relationships nailed down pretty well and you might want to let go of a couple of relationships of ones who are just trying to lose you or use you anyway. Something to think about. Okay, so those are the three things I want you to think about before any conversation. If you have the time to go into it. Now, I want you to practice for a solid week, not apologizing, not apologizing at all, never sing, sorry, one time, not even for mistakes that you make. 

Here's the reason why we all make mistakes. We all make mistakes, but unless it's really hurting someone, we shouldn't be apologizing for all of our mistakes. We should just maybe apologize for the ones that really hurt someone because if we're apologizing for every mistake I promised you, I'd be apologizing 50 times a day because we all make mistakes. It's part of life, so I want you to practice for one week not apologizing at all. That's gonna. Reset your brain on how to do this. Okay? Some things I want you to remember when saying no. First of all, keep it simple. Many times long explanations, send a message that you're uncomfortable saying no, so just say no, that doesn't work for me, or no, I can't do that. Just practice this. Okay? We're going to talk about being done with it too, and that may sound a little harsh just to keep it simple and short, but you've probably been way on the other end with long explanations, so to get you back to center, let's practice doing the extreme. 

Now you probably don't want to start practicing this extreme with your wife. She's maybe not going to know what's going on, but certainly in other situations with a sales rep or whatever, just practice. No, I can't do that right now. No, I'm not interested in keeping it short. Okay. Now, especially in our relationships, we want to keep you can say, no, that doesn't work for me, but you can say it in a gentle manner, in an easy manner. Keep the word short, but say it in a gentle, easy manner, right? You're going to learn how to be firm without having to yell. Sometimes we get so frustrated because people don't listen to us that we ended up yelling and sometimes it's their fault because they don't take no for an answer and sometimes it's our fault because we are wishy washy about our no, or they know if they keep pushing us like our kids, if they keep pushing us, we're going to give in until we yell and then we have to raise our intensity in order to get the know across, but the more from you are, the more you say no consistently, you're not going to have to yell as much and this is going to help all your relationships. 

All right? If you aren't sure of what you really want to do in any situation, it's okay to say, I'm not sure. Let me get back with you now. The more you practice everything I'm telling you, the more clear you're going to get and the more quickly you're going to be able to say yes or no because you're already going to know going into any conversation what you really want out of your life and that in that relationship and that conversation, but at first say, I'm not really sure I have to think about that. I'll get back with you and then if you could sit, I'll get back with you tomorrow or in an hour or some time that like close to the timeframe. They're not going to be following up with you or you're not going to leave it nebulous. You're going to get back with them. 

I'll get back with you tomorrow on that. Right now. The more practice you do on this, the easier it's going to be. Like I said, I'm learning new things every time and before I get good at them, I'm terrified. I'm afraid I don't have confidence. It feels like I'm in kindergarten and the first day and it feels uncomfortable. You're going to be afraid. You're going to be uncomfortable. Just do it. Just practice and like everything else, my kids just finished pre k and kindergarten the first day. They were so scared by the end of it, they got it really by the first week and that's going to happen with you. You're going to be a little timid, concerned or whatever emotion just do and with practice you're going to get. You're going to get so good at this, right? That's really important. If you want more practice on these kinds of things, join my course. 

It's called retrain the brain. Actually. Actually it's called a retrain your brain and you can visit my website, control the future forward slash retrain to get information on it so it's control the future.tech forward slash retrain. Bring okay for my class, so let's finish our lists and now here you're going to like this. You're gonna like this piece, okay? Sometimes you'll say yes because you're sure you want to do something, but then you change your mind later. That happens. Now, if you're doing it all the time, the reason why is because you haven't done the other work on what you really want to do, what you really want to do with your life, so do that work first, but I promise you in life you're going to schedule something and something that takes priority over that's gonna come up and you have to say no after you said yes, right? 

You'll say something like, I wanted to meet you Saturday, but I just learned I can't because I have to work again. Don't apologize. Don't say sorry. Just give the reason I don't say sorry. Just give the reason. If you get one thing out of this whole lesson, it's that. Don't say sorry. Just give the reason. Okay? All right. In this one, this is the last piece, and then I'm going to give you several exact things you can say, right? Um, without saying no. Sometimes you're going to encounter difficult people, especially if you have been saying yes to everyone, but there are people out there that when you say no, they're not going to like it. There are some people that will not take no for an answer and there's going to be some people that try to make us feel guilty or try to manipulate us. 

That's how they work in life. They tried to make other people feel guilty and they try to manipulate. Other people are not like that, so you don't get that and you don't do that, but guess what? There are a lot of people that do that. Don't let them make you feel guilty or manipulate you. Just saying no and repeat no. Over and over again. No, I'm not going to do that. No, I'm not going to do that. Eventually they're going to get it or you're going to end the relationship, right? Few examples on how to say no without apologizing. I'm just going to give you the statements and again, if you go to control the future.tech forward slash say Dash, they're all in there. I can't because I really can't take on anything else at the moment. Great. Um, I'm quite busy right now. Perhaps another time. 

Now if you say perhaps another time that's going to open up for a softer no, and then they might follow up with you or try to push you on it. So think about that. Is that really true? Do you really want to do it another time and you can just say, I'd like to help you out, but I don't feel up to it at the moment. So this would be a situation where you really do want to help the person out, but you just don't feel well right now. So sometimes it is a no and sometimes it's not right now kind of know. Then you could be even more gentle with it but still not apologize and say thank you for asking me. You're a really nice person but I don't want to go out with you or thank you for asking me. You're a really nice person but I don't want to do that on Saturday or I had a sales rep call today and I said, and I've been avoiding the call because I don't. 

I had to evaluate a solution. And then when I found the solution, I said, um, I don't need that. Thanks for calling again in the followup, but I don't need that. I'm not interested. And he was really relieved to hear that because he'd been following up a lot with me. He was really happy. Right? So all right. The last piece is if you struggle with self critical or self doubt thoughts. And sometimes when you say no, you can have a lot of these thoughts after it's like, oh, I shouldn't have done that. So let me give you some self talk that's good here. Just a few. And then we're going to be done. I really want you to practice these. Tell yourself, well, I explained to them why I couldn't do it or it's not my responsibility or it would only end up upsetting me if I agreed to do it. 

This is best for me. I feel less tired and not resentful. I might be in a better position to help them out next time, but not this time right now. Here's a couple other ones. If they're acting upset about it, right, they're going to get over it or you can look at past evidence. If you have a relationship where it's a strong relationship and they're really mad because you said no, like your child or your spouse or your parent, you don't have to worry about losing the relationship. You can just tell yourself they'll get over it. This is what's best for me. I'm getting better at this all the time and they're going, going to adjust. Right? So there's our little lesson for today. I told you it's a lot of information. You want the notes go to control their future dot forward slash say, Dash. No. If you want to join my class where I teach you all this stuff and more, you're going to go to control the future.tech forward slash retrain the brain. That's all for today. I'll see you next week. Thanks for joining me and bearing with me through potential technical difficulties without Christian here. Oh Gosh. I can only hear frogs. Dan, I just saw your comment. I hope you guys could hear everything. Okay. All right. I'll talk to you guys soon. See you later. Okay, bye.